How it feels to be Alone

I wrote a poem this summer that I forgot about, and I recently found it. 

My heart is screaming

It wants to burst free

Trying to get out a word-

No, three: please answer me

Seeking an answer to a silent question

An unending question

The one that builds within

And tries to force it's way out

But it can't.

I hold back.

I close my eyes

As if darkness will solve my problem

I shut my lips tight

As if silence can help me

But I know

I'm alone until my question speaks

No one can hear my heart scream

I hide it away and hope someone might listen hard enough

No

People cannot hear

If they hear it and do nothing

My heart won't just scream

It will bleed

In fear I push my screaming heart down my throat

I try to breathe

I can't.

I must.

I move forward in silence

Only I can hear the noise

Someday I won't be alone

For now, this is alright

Expectations

This year, I got a new haircut. Half of my head is now shaved bald. I also wear almost exclusively black, eyeliner every day, and admittedly excessively tall heels. I've been called intimidating once or twice. Between the black nail polish and the newfound confidence, I find that people look at me differently than they used to. Especially coming back to San Diego, there's a big difference in what people expect of me. In Portland, I'm pretty much the norm. Of course, some people still stare a little bit or give me a once over, but nothing extreme. Here, it's a whole other story.
When I go into stores, employees follow me around because they're afraid I might steal something. The first time I realized this was happening, I got really upset. I've never stolen anything in my life, I've been a goody two shoes for most of my life. Just because I started cutting up my t shirts, suddenly I was a delinquent? At first I thought that this nice lady just wanted to see if I needed any help. But then I told her I was just looking, and she didn't move. She kept her eyes on me the entire time I was in the store, making sure to move around so that my hands were always in her line of sight. I understand that they don't want people to steal, and that kids do steal from stores, but it hurt to be stereotyped because of the way that I like to dress.
When I was getting food recently, the cashier looked frightened of me, and it felt like those movies where I had to joke, "don't worry, I don't bite." Why is that a trope? Why do we expect people with piercings and tattoos to be untrustworthy?
All my life people have trusted me. I was the one that parents wanted their kid to hang out with, because I was straight laced and did well in school. People could go to events because I was going, and their parents figured that I would do well in charge. I was in charge of a lot of things, and they all went well. People knew that I could handle it.
My eyeshadow changed from gold to black and my dresses turned to skinny jeans and tank tops. Now all of a sudden that trust that I was used to is going away. We shouldn't judge anyone because of what they choose to wear. Sure, your clothing can say a lot about you, but it doesn't have to. Sometimes people wear things simply because that's what they think looks good, and that shouldn't reflect negatively on them.
It makes me think of other expectations we have in this society. Why do we think people look sketchy, or good, or gay, or dumb, or nerdy, and why do we act differently around these people before even getting to know them?
I know we can't just blindly trust everyone, because it's naive to think that the world doesn't have untrustworthy people in it. But we can stop putting expectations on people because of the way that they look. We can be nice without letting our guard down completely.
Perhaps I just have to deal with being intimidating, and get over it. But it's really discouraging when you have to prove people's expectations wrong, especially when they have no reason to expect anything bad from you.

"High achievement always takes place in the framework of high expectation."-Charles Kettering

Expect more of people, not less. 

Understanding Pretty

I had a friend say to me recently "You think you're pretty, but you don't understand that you are." That thought really hit me. My whole life, parents have told me that I was beautiful. Of course I didn't believe them, because people my own age never thought so. When I was kissed for the first time, I was in high school. By then it had been a very long time since I'd thought I was pretty. For years after that first kiss I believed that I was average looking, and that I was lucky that certain people were attracted to me. Then I went through some serious self evaluation, and I realized that I could never be happy if I didn't love myself. So I went through a lot of work to believe a lot of positive things about myself.
Still, my physical appearance is the thing that I have the hardest time with. Believing that I am attractive has been and still is one of the biggest barriers that I face on my journey to true self love. I'm pretty. I get that now. I struggle with trying not to be conceited and also trying to be proud of how I look. But I can look at pictures of myself and look in the mirror and think "I'm attractive." I tell myself this over and over again, because I think a part of me just wants it to be true, and saying it enough will make it so. I work on looking good, to a certain extent, and I know that I don't look as good as a lot of other people do. I'm okay with that.
I don't understand that I'm pretty. I don't inherently believe that I am a desirable and attractive person. The evidence in my life just doesn't show that to me. But I do think that I'm pretty, I think that there are reasons why certain people may be attracted to me, and I can get certain things in life that pretty people can get.
The distinction my friend made may seem small, but it hit me like a truck. I had to sit there for a moment, not saying anything, and really digest that. Is it easy for people to see? That I don't understand my own attractiveness? I've seen it in books, people that don't get the extent of how attractive they are. I just never thought that I was one of those people.
Does this change how I see myself? Not really. I don't know if I'll ever understand that I'm pretty, I may have missed that opportunity in my life. It just makes me think about how I'm perceived. Do people see me as more attractive than I see myself? Does that change anything?
In some ways, I think it's sad. Because I see people that don't understand their own attractiveness. They battle with self esteem, just like I do, but they shouldn't, at least not in the physical looks department.
I'd like to say that I don't place a lot of importance on my looks. But I'm a nineteen year old girl, and I was brought up in a society where that mattered. I've always had really attractive friends, I still do, and so in comparing myself to them I never thought of myself as attractive. Now that I'm starting to, things feel different. Am I attractive? I don't know. I don't understand the few people that are attracted to me. But at least now I do think I'm pretty. If I think it hard enough, perhaps one day I'll believe it.

"Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it." -Confucius

The Best Friend

I read something once on the internet. "Someone important to you deserves to be important to someone else too." That's pretty good internet advice, as that usually goes. It was in an article about things that Toy Story teaches us. I'm still learning this, though. I watch other people make the same mistakes as me and I try so hard not to do it, but it's natural. I have to keep reminding myself of this though.
A lot of people naturally want to be loved the most. They want to know someone best, be the person that they always turn to, know all the secrets, be the most important to them. People want to be THE best friend. I watch it happen all the time. People answer questions for each other, they do this weird competition thing with knowledge about their friends, and they try to be the one that hangs out with someone the most. You can't claim people friend wise in this society. When you're dating, everyone knows you have that position and anybody decent will respect that. When you're friends, there's no reason someone can't also be that person's friend. There's no reason that person can't become even better friends with them. So we get jealous. People like to be loved, this is nothing new.
But in my own life, I'm trying not to do this. It's not a competition. Every friendship is different, and there isn't one list ranking of friends for each person. I have a hard time with this. Naturally, I want everyone to like me the most. I want everyone to pick me, to think I'm worthy of their friendship. But it's unreasonable. I can't expect everyone to pick me first, because I can't pick all of them first. On that note, not everyone I pick first will pick me back. That's okay. As long as you don't put all your faith into friends that aren't actually there for you, you should be fine.
I have a best friend. One friend above all the others. Not everybody has this, but I do. I've even had people say to me "I know I'm not Austin, but..." and then they proceed to tell me why they should be able to care about me. It's a little ridiculous, because of course they can still care, and I can still care about them. But they have a point. I'm never going to love any of them more than I love him, which is a hard thing for some people to accept. We know abstractly that most people we interact with love someone else more than they love us. With me, I just hold that out for the world to see. It makes it different.
I also tend to get jealous of him. When other people are really close with him, I worry, because I can't be around him and they can, and it's really not fair at all that I don't ever get to see my best friend. But he's important to me, and he deserves to be important to them, too. As long as they love him.
Anyway, I have to remind myself of this with most of my friends. Yes, we're really close, and no, that does not mean they aren't close to people that I don't know.
We've got to spread the wealth of friendship. Once I started to see each individual friendship for what it was, instead of trying to make them all the same, I saw that my friendships are beautiful. Sure, maybe I don't see them every day, but I do love every moment we spend together. Maybe it's not the friendship I expected, but you can't plan your life out like that. I love my friends, and they deserve as much love as they can get. So I'm happy that the people I know know other people. If I love someone, how could I keep them all to myself? I've got to let the world experience the wonderful people I call friends. Not that it's my decision. But I should be happy about other people loving them, not jealous or threatened or upset.

“No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.” 
― Alice Walker

I don't want to deny anyone's right to grow by being a jealous friend. I just want to be your friend, and let each of us love each other and others as we will.

Fine Lines of Love

It's recently come to my attention that I don't really understand the difference between romance and platonic love, friendship and flirting. I've had some idea of this for most of my life, but now it's all sort of coming together.
When I was younger, I just figured that I didn't know how to flirt. I also assumed that no one ever flirted with me, but it occurred to me later that it's possible I was just oblivious.
Another aspect came into play when I realized that i was bisexual. Growing up, our society told me that what I felt for boys was romantic and what I felt for girls was friendship. Of course I didn't feel romantically for all boys, but you get the idea. There was this distinction between genders, but that didn't stop me from having crushes on girls, I just didn't label them that way. This left me not really understanding my own emotions and my own responses to people.
I like to think that I'm a reasonably perceptive person. I pride myself in being able to understand people, and I spend a lot of time trying to understand their motivations and loves and fears. It helps me to know the person better, for one, and it also helps me write better characters. But one thing I've never understood is flirting. A lot of that came from self hatred. For a long time I believed that no one would ever want to flirt with me. Now, having more confidence (and also being informed by some of my friends), I've realized that perhaps people have been flirting with me throughout the years, I just haven't seen it.
When you meet someone that you like, you can pursue a friendship with them or try to start something romantically, to put it into simple options. I'm starting to see that my problem is that I don't pick between the two. Because I never realized the distinction, I tend to send signals for both. People I meet will sometimes be confused on whether I want to date them or be their friend. Because the thing is, I don't see a very big difference between those two kinds of love.
I've had many a best friend throughout my life that people have thought I was dating. People see us and think that our love must be romantic. This is partly due to heteronormative thinking and assuming that different gendered people can't be just friends, but it also tends to be due to the fact that I'm so close with them. People assume that if I spend significant amounts of time one on one with someone, then it must be romantic. But with all of these friends I've had, it's purely platonic.
The thing is though, I think of the difference between my romantic relationships and my close friendships. There doesn't tend to be a lot different between the two other than what I label them.
So what does this mean? What does it matter? Why do I care? Love is so much more complicated than I ever imagined it to be. People always told me that, that love would be complicated, but this isn't the way I thought it would be. I thought that meant that any relationship was going to be hard, and sometimes you have to pick between different kinds of love, and things like that. I was prepared for that. What I wasn't prepared for was not knowing. I don't actually know what makes my friendships different than romance. I don't know how to differentiate the kinds of love that I have. I can say that I haven't fallen in love in a long time, and I don't think I'm really a relationship person, at least not at this point in my life. I have loved before. I love so many people in my life right now, but not in a romantic way. What's different about how I love them and how I classify romance? Nothing I can pinpoint. There are fine lines. Perhaps it doesn't matter if I cross over these lines every now and again. Perhaps love doesn't have to be as rigid as I logically want it to be. And most importantly, perhaps romantic love is not the endgame. Maybe finding 'the one' isn't nearly as important as our society makes it out to be.
They say that everyone has someone out there who will love them just the way they are. I think it's most often assumed that this will be a romantic partner. I don't think it has to be. I don't think it matters. I used to be a big fan of labeling things, of putting things into compartments and knowing everything that I was feeling. Now, I don't think I want labels, not on love. I don't think we have to define every relationship. Me, I'd rather just let love be love, and ignore all the fine lines between all of it.

Many people have tried to define or explain love. This quote seems the most apt description to me, because it's vague and simple and encompasses all of it.
“We love the things we love for what they are.” 
― Robert Frost

P.S.Thanks for reading. All of my posts are just rambles, things that are on my mind that I wanted to write out to think through. So thanks for sticking with me through it.

A New Me

Recently I was looking through some pictures and videos of me from last year. As a senior in high school, my life was completely different. I spent most of my time in the theater, and when I wasn't there I was at Dominos or doing improv. I worked hard, went to a party maybe once a month (if at all), and saved most of my money. My three best friends were girls, and to be honest, I didn't hang out with really anyone else. I had a lot of people I cared about, but those three were the only people I saw outside of school. I was in charge of almost everything I was involved in, and I was also riddled with anxiety.
Now, I'm very different. I spend a lot of time in theater, but in college it's been almost exclusively stage management. I stopped doing improv entirely. I shaved off half my hair, rarely go a day without eyeliner, and wear skinny jeans pretty much always. I do a lot of writing, and I started smoking. My nails are painted black, I don't care if people know what kind of music I listen to, and I do a lot academically because I actually care about the classes I'm taking. Most of them, anyway. The majority of my friends are guys, and I try to spend time with lots of people. Also, I don't have a job.
Things have changed a lot. That's normal, I'm in college now and people change when they go to college. I'm not surprised. I expected this. What I didn't expect was missing the person I used to be.
It's probably a romanticized version of myself that I miss. I was sad and had a lot of problems with my anxiety. I don't want to go back to that, especially considering how much progress I've made. But there were good times. I was as full of self hatred as any teenage girl could be, but now that I've learned to love myself, I see that I wasn't so bad back then either. I loved my friends, I loved all the things I did, and I led a whole life that I can never go back to. It only lives in my memory. This is something everyone has to go through, something people go through every day.
I've never had this before. My family moved to San Diego when I was three years old. I have maybe two memories from before we moved. And then we stayed there from preschool all the way through high school graduation. I'd never lived anywhere else before I came to Portland for college. That was also the first time I ever changed myself. I stayed pretty much the same from age 3 to 18. It was a simple, safe life. There was no need to change. But then I realized I wanted to be different, and I've become so much more comfortable with who I am. I feel like I know who I am now.
So there's my entire life behind me, and I have to say goodbye to that girl. She was me for so long, and I've never been faced with saying goodbye to a version of myself like this. I'm leaving her behind. Because I'm not her anymore and I never will be again.
I'm so happy with who I am now. But I have to figure out how to be happy with who I was, and still be able to say goodbye. I can't hold onto every part of my life, because I'm going to have to say goodbye plenty of times after this, but this is the first big one.
Here we go. Goodbye to the old me and the life she led. Hello to the person I've become, and the person I'm still becoming.

Feeling Scared

Warning: this post discusses potentially triggering content about rape culture
It's common knowledge that all women have experiences being afraid of men. When you ask a group of girls about it, every single one of them has a story about feeling threatened, uncomfortable, or afraid for their safety and possibly their life. This isn't acceptable, yet we let it happen all the time.
I have a lot of guy friends, and I love being able to hang out with them and not worry that they might hurt me or take advantage of me. The only problem with this is that sometimes I start to feel too safe. I'm not on guard, and then it really shocks me when certain things happen. No one attacked me, no one directly threatened me, but comments were made. People don't understand how scary simple comments can be. Asking someone if I lock my door at night, continually talking about how you think I'm attractive, mentioning what you would do to me if you could; all of these things could seem harmless, but we don't have the luxury of assuming harmlessness. I've been taught my whole life how to avoid things like kidnapping and attacks. I've been on guard since I was a little girl because it's easier to teach us how to run than to tell people that no means no, and lack of a no doesn't mean yes. We're starting to get there, but people treat it like a joke. People look at feminists and say that they take things too seriously. Some people will read this and think that those comments were nothing, that I'm overreacting.
I don't want to be upset about this. I don't want to think that my friends might take advantage of me and do things to me that I didn't expressly consent to. But in this world, with these people, that's something I can't afford to do. Because if something does happen, when these things happen, society will tell me that it's my fault. They will ask me what I was wearing, they'll argue that I didn't say no enough times, they'll say I acted like I was interested and that I encouraged their behavior. People get so angry at women for being defensive and then tear us down if we weren't defensive enough.
Watch your comments, watch your actions, be aware of how all of that might effect someone else. Because I want to feel safe around my friends, I want to believe that nothing bad is going to happen to me. The moment I start to hear things like what I heard, I can't feel completely safe anymore.
I know that words aren't actions, and that I can't base my opinion on people just off of some stupid comments they made one night. But as much as I try, I can't be the same around that person ever again. I feel like I can't let my guard down, I feel like I have to make sure I don't do anything to make people think that it's my fault, that I brought this on.
In today's world, we're made to feel scared. We need to stop telling people to not get attacked, to not feel uncomfortable, to never go anywhere alone but go in groups of three because two is still unsafe. We need to tell people not to attack, not to make others feel uncomfortable, and to be good to each other. People act like there are these scary kidnapers and rapists and attackers that are separate from us. They're not like us, they're animals. But the truth is they're people, just like everybody else on the surface, and most of the time you don't realize anything's wrong until it's too late.

Don't tell people not to be scared. Start telling people how to not be scary.

Coming Out

Today is national bisexuality awareness day, also called Celebrate Bisexuality Day, Bisexual Pride Day, Bi Visibility Day, and other things. The point is, September 23rd is the day for bi people and our celebration and awareness. Coincidentally, it's also the day I came out, one year ago. It was the first time I actually said it out loud to another person. I was at my friend's birthday party, and I made some sort of joke about being into girls, and one of my friends asked, "Mackenzie, are you bi?" and I knew. I knew that the answer was yes, and I told them without thinking twice about it. They were all very supportive of me coming out, it was really nice. The thing is, though, that coming out never ends. Next I told my parents, but it wasn't a big ordeal. It just happened. I mentioned it. Once I figured out that I was bi, once I finally realized that this was a real thing and I accepted that I wasn't straight, I couldn't hide it. It made me really respect people who haven't been able to come out, for whatever reason, because it's hard. The terminology you use, the jokes you make, the comments you add, all of it can point to your sexuality, if someone is listening. Anyone that hides that has a tremendous strength, one they should never have to have.
And people always get that questioning look in their eye, wondering how I could have mentioned an ex boyfriend and an attraction to girls. I feel the need to explain my sexuality to people. That's what I mean by coming out never ends. You have to tell everyone you meet. Of course, you aren't required to tell anyone, but in this heteronormative society, people will expect you to be straight until you tell them otherwise. I lived in a very accepting community, but even with open minded people, I experienced a lot of ignorance. A lot of people told me that it was probably just a phase, that it wasn't valid because I'd never done anything with a girl.
Coming out can be really hard. I constantly worried that people would judge me, that people wouldn't want to date me, that they would make assumptions about me.
So today, I think about the past year. I think about everything that's happened in my life, and I think about how different it's been. I've known myself more in the past year than I ever have before. Of course, a lot of other things contributed to that, but I think being honest with myself and others about my sexuality has made a huge difference.
Since I got to Lewis and Clark, I've noticed a difference. People don't have that questioning look in their eyes. When I say that I'm bi, no one bats an eye and nobody looks surprised or says "I totally called that," or "are you sure?". It's really nice. There's a large gay population here, so it's going to be more accepted. It should be that way everywhere. There should be no more 'coming out'.
My mom recently told someone that I was in Portland, and they asked if I was a lesbian, and from what I understand, they were disgusted by that thought, because Portland is just crawling with us gays. It seems ridiculous that people think that way, but that's the reality. People are biased and rude and it does hurt. Living outside of that, I see how easy it is to be accepting.
Today also makes me think about bi erasure, and all of the problems that are encountered with that, but that's it's own blog post.


"I had a feeling something was wrong with me. I guess I was a mystery even to myself." Benjamin Saenz, Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe


No one should ever feel like something is wrong with them, especially not because of their sexuality. Today, we promote awareness for bisexuals. I hope I see a day when we no longer need that. I long for a day when "coming out" is not something anyone ever has to do.

New Friendships

I've just started college. Classes officially start tomorrow, but I've already completed my first homework assignment. For the last week, I've been running around doing orientation activities, and the week before that I was on a new student camping trip. It's been all about getting to know more people and figuring out the campus. The campus, by the way, is absolutely stunning. I'm writing this sitting by a stream in the forest not too far from my dorm. It's spectacular.
Then there's the meeting people thing. You meet a lot of people, yes, but no one really knows each other. Everyone has their best face on and is introducing themselves to everyone, trying to make sure they get the best group of friends. We've started forming groups now. Lots of groups are teams or friends from new student trips, but other groups are forming too. And I still can't help but think that no one knows absolutely anything about anyone else. You know the basics: name, where they're from, what dorm they're living in (maybe), and what they're majoring in. If you really pay attention, you might even know what classes they're taking. Now, you may be thinking, it's only the first week, of course no one knows each other yet. You would be correct in thinking that. My comment here is that we are all picking our friends somewhat randomly. And then these are our friends. Changing friends is possible, but it's not a simple thing. Then again, they also say that first semester friends never last. Now, either way, that's not so nice to think about. Either we lucked out and got great friends, or we got bummer friends that we get to change in at the semester. I dont know, it just seems a little strange. Perhaps that's because I've spent so long with the same friends. Meeting all new people isn't something I've had to do since kindergarten. Because these are the people that are going to be around for a while. You've got to pick good people.
Perhaps it's just because I'm a worrier, but I worry about picking the wrong people, or even just not the right group. It seems impossible now that I could ever be as close with these people as I was with my high school friends. But I know that we will be. It's simply interesting to reflect on how these bonds are made, how accidental and arbitrary it all is. But then, aren't all friendships that way? I'm simply experiencing new friendships at a heightened level, as we all do at this age, starting a new life.

All of that being said, I think I picked the right people. I feel good about my new life. I hope I'm right.

"Life is an awful, ugly place not to have a best friend." -Someone Like You by Sarah Dessen

I think I'm finding them, my best friends.

End of an Era: part 1-Domino's

Tuesday was my last day of work. I've worked at Domino's for over two years now, and that's a long time in the pizza business. A lot of our employees are in school, which means that they move away or stop being in school and leave the store. Our managers also have to move around a lot, which results in a staff that seems to completely overhaul every couple of months. I've been there for three managers, a whole host of assistant managers, more insiders than I can count, and some drivers whose names I never even learned. I started with answering phones, folding boxes, putting up labels, and helping carryout customers. Eventually I moved along from that to the makeline, and then I learned how to work the ovens. I was doing everything that could be done inside the store. I made pizzas that many of you have probably received. What I didn't expect to make was friends. Of course, I knew that I would enjoy the people there, I specifically started working there because one of the employees was my friend, but I never expected to care so much. They were only supposed to be acquaintances. For some of them, that's all they were. There were people that I got along with, but once they left, they hardly crossed my mind. Some of them, however, I still miss. Making pizzas with someone can really be a bonding experience.
Domino's is one of the most fun places I've ever been. With certain people, I was excited to go to work. Being there felt like we were all just hanging out, not doing our jobs. It was like a game to make the pizza in under two minutes, it was fun to all sing and talk together while we did it. Of course it was hard sometimes, and everyone has days where they absolutely do not want to go to work.
But overall, through the two years I was there, I loved it. I'm going to miss it more than I ever could have predicted when I walked in and asked for an application.
While working there, I learned a lot of skills that I am unlikely to ever use again. I know how to slap out a pizza and make it to Domino's standards, and I have an extensive knowledge of the Domino's menu. I did also learn a lot of things that will translate to future jobs, such as customer service and responsibility in the workplace and all of those lovely things. Most importantly, though, I learned about friendship. All through school, I've been friends with people my age. That's how it works at school, you get maybe a few years difference, but for the most part you're only with people that are your age. At Domino's we have a wide variety of ages, and it doesn't matter how old you are. It matters how good you are at your job and how much fun it is to work with you. Age doesn't matter in friendships. That's something I've learned is completely true, and I'll always remember that.
My closest friend from Domino's told me on our last day together not to say goodbye. At first I was offended, because our friendship had come to mean a lot to me. But then he said something along the lines of "no five second goodbye is going to really do our friendship justice." It's true, the small goodbye we would have gotten would not have felt big enough for how close we've gotten. So I didn't say goodbye, I just left. Hopefully that means that it's not over, that we're still friends without the store.
I don't want to say goodbye to all of those people, and I hope I don't have to. I hope I can see all of them again, and keep in touch with at least some of them. Even those who left my store before I did, I hope I can see them again.
This has been the end of an era for me, one I always knew would end, but I never expected to be sad about it. In a way, I think that's a good thing. Because if I miss it, that means it was a good thing for me. It means that it made me happy.

Committing to College

Last week, I sent in my $300 deposit and my housing preferences to Lewis and Clark College. This week, I sent cards to the other schools who accepted me, letting them know that I would be attending Lewis and Clark. (That's something you have to do for small schools, but not most big ones)  Today, I wrote on the facebook event College Map so that it would be in my school's newspaper that I am going to Lewis and Clark.
So it's official. That's where I'm going. I know that I'm by far not the first person to go through this and I won't be the last. Yet I still feel the need to talk about it. It's exciting. It's a big part of my life, it's a big part of anyone's life. I'm 18, and now I know where I am going to spend the next four years. It was my choice to go there. That's such a strange feeling.
It doesn't quite feel real. When I was younger, I looked up to high school seniors, they seemed so big and mature and like they knew what they were doing. Now I know the truth. We're all normal human sized, only mature on occasion, and we rarely know what we are doing. We're teenagers.
Lately I've been figuring out who I am, and that included figuring out where this new me would fit. Which college should I pick? At first it seemed like a daunting decision, but then I realized where my heart was. It was at Lewis and Clark.
Once I made that decision, a whole world of thought came crashing into me. All of a sudden, this was real. I'm going to college. I'm also leaving a whole world behind. When you commit to a school, that seems to be the next thing we all think about. As we get excited about what we're moving on to, it's hard not to take a look at what we're moving on from.
I'll always be close with my family. I'm going to be an hour and a half away from one of my brothers. I know that I'll never leave them behind. I won't get a new family.
However, I will get new friends. I won't hold on to all my high school friends, I know that from the people I've already seen go to college. I'm going to have to say goodbye to all of my friends here, to my school, to my theater, to improv, to work. My entire life that I've built here, all of the things I've done and people I've known...in a few months, I will be gone from it. It'll all still be here, but I won't be a part of it. Starting over completely can sound really good, but it can also be really sad.
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm really excited to go to college, but I'm sad to leave this behind me.
Starting a new chapter requires finishing the last one. As an avid reader of books, I know this quite well. So I'll finish this chapter. I don't want to skim it or skip to the good parts of college, I want to experience my last months as a high school senior to the fullest. I want to be ready to say goodbye.

“Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anybody.” 
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Test Anxiety

As my school quickly approaches finals week, the tests are rolling in. Some classes spend a lot of time reviewing. If you're lucky, you've got one of those classes. Unfortunately, you also have five others. Most of us are dealing with AP classes, which decide that the chapter test must be taken this week, right before the final. Of course we also have to write that essay before the final, too. And also that project is due this week.
Welcome to the end of the semester, where the lower the grade, the higher the anxiety. Everyone is studying like crazy or at least freaking out, trying to calculate the exact grade they need on the final to get whatever grade it is they want in the class.
How is this helpful? How is any of this good for us? In life, of course there are deadlines. Of course there are times when we really need to bring our A game. But I find it very hard to believe that all of the things in our life are going to have those times all during the same week. Of course, that's how it is in college, and finals in college mean even more than they do in high school. So we're preparing for college. What about experiencing high school? All my life I've heard teachers say they're preparing us for the next level, so much so that sometimes I wonder if we're ever in the correct level at all. We're children. We're told that we're not mature enough for a lot of things, yet we're given these high stress situations and expected to act completely normal. We're expected to just get through it.
Many people have test anxiety, where they freak out before or during every test. Finals week is particularly hard for those people, who are now experiencing high levels of stress practically nonstop.
This post is for those people. For anyone freaking out about tests and grades and finals and projects and essays: it will be okay. Your life does not rest on your transcript. That doesn't mean you shouldn't study, but it does mean that you shouldn't kill yourself doing it. On this three day weekend of ours, don't hole yourself up with textbooks. Take breaks, eat some ice cream. Remember that we're all going through this, and that it will be over.
There's a lot wrong with out society, and I think how we treat students is part of it. We are required to go to school. We're told that what we do now is going to define the rest of our lives. Everything we hope to accomplish rests on this test. How is that supposed to make us feel? It's supposed to motivate us, but I think for most people it just ends up being really scary.
Test anxiety is real, and it's here, and you will get through it.

“I promise you nothing is as chaotic as it seems. Nothing is worth diminishing your health. Nothing is worth poisoning yourself into stress, anxiety, and fear.” 
― Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience

Not Giving a F***

It's a common mentality to "not give a f***". And I put asterisks there because I don't know who's reading this, but it's always best to stay clean. Still, that's the phrase we use. People have decided that they don't care. That nothing is going to get to them and they're going to say "screw it" to the world. A lot of people I know have this mentality, and I understand where it's coming from, but I don't think they know where it's going.
People think this way a lot of the time because they've been hurt. They've been insulted or told they were bad or wrong too many times. They've been heartbroken, and that pain is worse than what they expected. This emotional pain is too much. So they decide to stop it. They don't care what people think about them, so they can't be hurt by it. They don't care what people expect of them, so they can't disappoint them. They don't care if someone doesn't like them, they don't care what happens. They give up on giving a damn. The problem with this is that no one can truly stop caring. They're always going to care, now they're just pushing it all down.
My main issue with this way of thinking is that people seem to think that it means they get to be rude. Nothing, absolutely nothing, gives someone the right to be rude. There is no purpose to being mean. If they don't care what people think, then they're going to be brutally honest. They're going to laugh things off even if it hurts inside, expecting everyone else to do the same. Not caring if everyone dislikes them.
How is that any way to live? Knowing that you're hurting others? Possibly driving them to the point where they don't want to care anymore? That's just sad.
Where it gets even worse is that these people really need love. Everyone does, but these people question why they don't have it. Everyone deserves to be happy. They've stopped caring, so why aren't they happy?
The simple truth is this: if you don't care about people's feelings, you can't expect them to have feelings for you.
If you constantly go on and on about how you don't care what other people think of you, you cannot turn around and complain that that boy or girl does not like you back. People give back what they get. If they're getting no caring from a person, they will stop caring for that person. I wish people would understand that "not giving a f***" is simply ruining their relationships with people.

I understand that their pain is real. I understand that they want to turn it all off. But I also understand that by doing that, they're shutting out the people who do care about them. The people that care. So the next time you tell someone you don't give a f***, think about them. Do you care about them? If so, you may want to think twice about telling them to their face that you don't. The more you tell people you don't care, the more they believe you. And the less they care about you.

“The closest thing to being cared for is to care for someone else.” 
― Carson McCullers, The Square Root of Wonderful

so maybe if we all cared a little bit more about other people, we'd get that happiness we all deserve.

Words

Last saturday night, I went to a Best buddies event. Best buddies creates friendships between students with and without disabilities. After the event I drove my brothers friend home, and-being a 17 year old driver-I didn't have enough gas to get home. So I went to the gas station. As I was getting my $20 worth of gas at 11pm in my fancy dress that I was wearing for the event, a big white car pulled up. They were at the pump across from me, but no one got out. They rolled down the windows and I couldn't see the driver but the other passengers looked about thirteen. They started shouting at me some pretty mean things that I won't repeat here. It was stupid and obviously they were just learning to cuss, but I couldn't even react. They pulled away, without getting gas, and continued to say things that were quite rude. To be honest, I'm mostly just dissapointed. It's sad that there are people like this. That need to do this for fun, confirmation, whatever. But I spent the whole night doing something that I love and feeling good, feeling like I was the person that I want to be, and they come along and make me feel like crap. Some random stupid guys can come in and make me feel bad, that doesn't seem right.
People need to be aware of the effect of their words. Words are a powerful weapon, a powerful tool, and they need to be used wisely. Words can uplift a person, but they can also bring them to tears. Words, written or spoken, have an impact, and this night, seeing words have such a positive and then negative effect, it really sunk in. I don't know if this isn't taught to people anymore, but it's really sad when people are rude. There is nothing good that comes of it, yet it happens so much.

"The pen is mightier than the sword."-I'm pretty sure this is a famous quote

Theater

I (kind of) recently got back from the CETA(California Educational Theater Association) festival. I met a lot of really cool people, saw some shows and scenes, and went to workshops. Overall it was an amazing weekend, and the focus was the importance of theater in our lives. There was a lot of money given out as scholarships for the arts, and that's such a cool thing that those people are one step closer to being able to follow their dreams. Not everyone there is going to go into theater (onstage, backstage, on-camera, etc), but all of us are involved now. All of us were a part of our schools production and worked with our casts and crews to make the best show we could. Theater really is a wonderful thing. It opens up so many new things to us and teaches us so much.
It teaches us to find new families. In the cast of our fall show, I found new best friends and became closer to old ones. We've all learned how to take a group of strangers and immediately become family. Doing a show with someone forces you to become close to that person because to be in theater you have to be open.
That's another thing it teaches us. To be open and bold. At CETA, you find a whole group of kids that aren't afraid to make funny faces and introduce themselves to people, to get close to someone they don't know in a workshop or scene. People will come up to you and compliment you because judgments are suspended. You can hold up a sign that says applause and everyone will stand up and cheer. It may just seem like an auditorium of weird kids, but it's more than that. It's nice kids, it's kids that are willing to let go and just have fun, at least for the duration of the theater event.
Now theater kids aren't always nice. We have our fair share of drama and gossip, but underneath it almost everyone loves everyone, and we all respect everyone else involved. Most theater kids know what it is to be an outcast, so it acts as a sanctuary to most.
It also teaches people to say goodbye. After a show, that cast can never all be together again in the same circumstances. A new show can start, but that comes with new experiences. People come and go, and it stays similar but never the same. Some people stay for a long time, some you remain friends with forever, some leave and come back again, and some you see only once. At the festival I met a lot of people, and some of them I wish I could be friends with, but it was just the weekend. ow we all get back to our lives. We've learned to say goodbye.
Because theater is love. It comes and it goes, but you can always hold those fond memories. You can't go back to an old love, you can only remember that it was good and be happy that it happened. You can't go back to that show. But you can always keep those experiences, and theater always lives on in our hearts. That's why we're all so passionate. Theater is love, and love is always the best teacher.

“The stage is a magic circle where only the most real things happen, a neutral territory outside the jurisdiction of Fate where stars may be crossed with impunity. A truer and more real place does not exist in all the universe.” 
― P.S. Baber, Cassie Draws the Universe

Alone

Being alone is something we all have to face. We can't all have people around us all the time. But I like being alone. When I'm by myself, I can read, write, or just relax. It can be really nice. Physically being alone isn't that bad, it's feeling alone that can be hard.
Feeling alone is one of those things that's not really addressed. You can be in a crowd of people but feel completely isolated. What makes us feel like that? It's this notion we get when we think that people don't care about us. It's silly most of the time, but in truth, humans like attention. Everyone enjoys being paid attention to at least sometimes. And those times when you start to feel like no ones ever seeking you out, you start to feel like you're really not that close to anyone at all. That's why I like to have multiple people I can talk to. Having close friends you've confided in is really important. Having this person be a significant other is a bad idea. Yes, you should tell them things, but when you break up, you'll need your friends. And if it's just one person, well, people get busy. Open up to people and have multiple friends who you can really talk to about anything. The most important part is making sure you're there for them, too. If they need to vent, you need to have an open ear and a shoulder to cry on. Those relationships work both ways.
When you're feeling alone, sometimes the answer isn't to go crying to someone. Sometimes the answer is to make sure your friends know they can come to you. And know when it's a good time. Maybe you're not feeling too good, but maybe your confidant just got asked out. Probably not the best time. The middle of math class? Not a good time either. It's hard to be told that there is a time and place for you to have your feelings because you don't choose when they come, but that's a part of life. We all have to learn how to best act in a friendship, and the rules will be different for each person.
Now being alone can also be about relationships, not just friends. We can feel alone when we see a picture of our ex with someone new, when we see a random happy couple, when we've been single for a long time, when we just need a hug, or-most sharply-right after we've gotten out of a relationship. I know that when you're with someone, it's really nice to have that person who you can talk to all the time and who is always there for you, giving you constant love. Of course your family should always be there for you and giving you unconditional love, but they're your family. It's a different thing entirely when they had the choice of anyone and they chose you. So yeah, being in a relationship is nice, but it can also be a lot of work. Sometimes when I find myself being alone, I realize that I don't miss anyone in particular or even being in a relationship, I miss that closeness that I've had with people. Which is pointless, because I can easily talk to those people. Just remind your friends that you're there for them and that you care about them, because that doesn't need to be implied. We shouldn't have to feel alone when we have so many people to care about that care about us back.

“The trouble is not really in being alone, it's being lonely. One can be lonely in the midst of a crowd, don't you think?” 
― Christine Feehan, Dark Prince

How much can we handle?

Is there a limit on how much we can handle? Of course there is. It's different for everyone. The challenge is finding your limit. How do you know when it's too much? If you find that, how do you know what to take out? What if it feels like it's too late? We're all scared. We're all just trying to make it through, and we try to have fun along the way. We try to be happy and spread that happiness to others. At least most people do. But we just keep going. In this day and age, it's encouraged to just keep pushing, to keep fighting until you wear yourself so thin you might just snap, get some rest, and do it all over again. What's going to make you snap? I think it's so hard to know that most of the time we only find out after it's snapped us. And then we're broken. Picking ourselves back up becomes infinitely harder.
We choose to deal with this in a lot of ways, but I'm going to talk about a few that help. Let's not talk about the ones that don't, because we should try to avoid those. Momentary relief is not the answer.
Everyone should strive to be the best person they can be, and that means not stretching themselves out too thin. I'm involved in a lot of things, but I know it's not too many because I can still dedicate myself to each. But I do need to be careful. I need to plan in advance and know when all these things are going to happen. I need to make sure that things don't overlap and not get overwhelmed if they do. I figure it all out. Fortunately, I don't do this alone. My family is always looking out for me, helping to let me know when I might be saying yes to too many things, and they reign me back in. They also help me out if I need something done. I've got great friends that always have my back and are willing to do so much for me. Especially be an open ear and open arms. A hug is the best thing.
Support. That's what we need. We can handle anything with enough support.
We can do anything, but we can't do everything. We need to distinguish between what is good for us and what isn't. Is this something I'm going to regret doing or not doing? Why? That will help us determine if it's something worth doing. Then we know that it's something we should consider. And then we think about what it will do. How much time will it take, will it have an effect on me, will it change anything about my life and how, and who's involved? The answers to these questions will always be different and the interpretations of them will vary from person to person, but it remains the same.
Can you handle it? Saying no isn't a bad thing. It's strong. The only way to be weak is to not know. To wait until you're broken to find out your limit. But if it comes to that, find people who would help you. They're out there. Find them.

Confidence

As a teenage girl, I can say firsthand what it means to not have confidence. It's something most girls lack, because we live in a society that tells us to be perfect. Of course, the pressure isn't only on girls, but I'm going to stick with my own perspective.
The last time I had confidence was in early elementary. After that, I was self-conscious about my looks, the way that I dressed, my grades, everything. I purposely lowered my self esteem because I thought then it would be easier to be rejected. I acted differently because I was afraid i was too tall and too loud and these fears stayed with me. There was a really long time when I didn't think I would ever be good enough.
That's really sad, in my opinion. A young girl believes that she will never be good enough for stupid, superficial reasons. I did so many things in the attempt to be more well liked, not realizing that it wouldn't make me feel better. The problem came from within. It wasn't that people didn't care about me, it was that I didn't care about myself. And it is so important to care about yourself. Only you can do that. Other people will come into your life, they will care about you, and they will make you happy, but they can't be there every moment of your life. You're the only person who can give you love all the time, and you should.
My one disclaimer is this: you shouldn't just love yourself for whatever, you should be the best you that you can be.
Over the summer I came to accept myself. I've written a whole post about acceptance. But accepting myself was only that. I hadn't yet really cared about myself. Just last night, I had a revelation. I deserve the love that I've been given by so many people. I deserve my own life. I am good enough to do all of the things that I want to do. And honestly, that confidence feels really good. When people have given me praise throughout my life, it has always made me feel good. Of course it has. But coming from within, it's a whole other thing entirely. Confidence is something we avoid so that we can pretend to be strong in the face of rejection, so that we can blame something for our mistakes, and that's okay. That's how I lived my life, and I thought that was it.
It's worth it to try. It's worth it to try to be self-confident and love yourself. For a long while I thought I never would, but it happened. It's like a weight has been lifted, and I can live the life I've been trying so hard to live.
It came from me, but I couldn't have done it without my family and friends. The people that have always believed in me made it possible for me to believe in myself. Someone recently told me that someday I would see myself the way he sees me, and I would understand. He told me that I would believe in myself. He's never been more right, as much as I don't want to admit that to him. He's not the only one. Over the summer someone told me they hoped that I would eventually see the person that everyone else sees, the girl I've been since they met me years before.
We've looked in the mirror every day of our lives. We see our imperfections, we've memorized them. Other people don't see those things. They see the wonderful people that we are. It seems so silly now to have not had confidence before.
Listen to those people when they tell you those things, when they tell you why you're special. It took me so long to believe it, and I regret waiting so long. In a way, I never really believed it when people said they loved me, besides my family. I guess I thought that if they really knew me, they wouldn't care about me. But now I see that they did know me, and they did care about me.
I can be confident, I should be confident. In one day I've seen the difference, and I'm so much happier.

"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same."-Carlos Castaneda

Make yourself strong.

"And then, all at once, the love hits me. It crashes over me like a wave, all the affection that I've been holding back. But it isn't from you, or from Jay, or anyone else. It's from me. It's the love I've locked inside of myself and refused to give, thinking myself unworthy. But now I see that I am worthy. Deep down I've always known, but now it's here, in the front of my mind, and I believe in it. I believe in myself. A lifetime of love is crashing into me. That sun rose every day to light this world that I get to live in, and I've done more than anyone could ever ask for. I've loved more than i could have ever dreamed. And I've dreamed. I've dreamed of being the girl that I see in Jay's mirror. But now I see that I've been her all along. There just wasn't enough light."-Across the Mountain

Irrationality

There are some things that I just can't quite convince myself to do. They're small things, irrational fears, that don't even seem like fears. I can't go ice skating or rollerblading or skiing or snowboarding because I'm absolutely terrified of it. I don't know why, but I just really hate it. I want to be able to, but I just can't make myself. I won't try certain foods, and there's no real reason why.
Those are all little odd things. The real big one that I've been thinking about is a number. Why can I not bring myself to ask for a phone number? Am I really that nervous around this guy? It's completely irrational, but I can't bring myself to ask someone I've known for over a year now to become better friends. There's no reason why that should be a hard thing to do, yet I find myself backing down, making excuses. I just don't have the guts to do it. Should I accept that? Will I ever move past this irrationality? Will this continue on, or is it just for this person? There's so much of it that I can't explain.
There's so much of me that I can't explain. There are things that I do and say and think that don't make even the slightest bit of sense to me, but I keep on doing them. That's life, I guess. I just wish I had the courage to do some of these things, because I know I'll regret it. I regret them every day.
I wish I could end this positively. I'll ask for his number. I'll try a new food. I'll tell him(different him) how I'm disappointed. But I won't actually do those things. I'll continue to take my few minutes every other day and I won't get his number. And I'll always wonder "what if". Is life just me looking back? But now I'm thinking about me in the future looking back. So I'm thinking everywhere but the present.
Maybe it'll be better to forget. To not care, to keep going. Just keep going. Just another step. Forget the worries, the irrational worries that eat away at me. Life has enough real problems, and I'll deal with them as they come.
"Highs and lows make you feel that things matter, but they're nothing."-from Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

How we feel may make an impact on what we think is important, such as how my feelings make getting this guy's number such a big deal in my head, really it's nothing. There's nothing to be irrationally afraid of, those petty things are nothing. There is so much else to be something.

Real Talk

Sometimes you sit with someone and you just talk. You really talk to them, and all of a sudden you know this person better than anyone. Sometimes it's forced, like at Challenge Day or Trust Circle, but sometimes it just happens. Challenge Day is nice, but you didn't know those people before and chances are you won't talk to them much after. Trust Circle is something we do at camp, and it's awesome, but those people are camp friends.

The real talks that matter are the ones with real friends that last. When you decide to tell your friend something that you hadn't told anyone. When they notice something about you and just talk. When the others aren't around and you start to talk about who you really are.

I love those real talks. I just want to appreciate the times when this happens, and tell you to appreciate them to. 

When people share themselves, be grateful. They didn't just randomly decide to tell you. They picked you for a reason. Maybe that reason was because you're trustworthy, or you're quiet, or you told them something. But they chose you. So remember that. 

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, to be honest. I was just thinking about a time when we stopped joking around and were real, and how that moment was so different from any other. All of the moments were great, but the rest are a montage while that moment is a still, clear, picture. And I just want to remember to hold onto that, and to tell others to hold onto those too.
Because that's what I remember about a person. Sure, all of that other stuff is there, but that's what will be in my mind forever. When you told me something you hadn't told anyone, when I was someone you trusted. When you told me something you'd never told me before because you wanted me to know the real you. Someone should know the real you. Well, everyone should, but if you can't be you all the time, at least be you with someone. The joking and the playful teasing and the banter is great, sometimes it can be just what you need, but those real talks are needed, more so than most people realize.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, go open up to someone, maybe even me. It doesn't have to be deep, it can just be a time when it's not superficial. When you let that person know that they matter to you, no matter if it is only a little. And notice things about other people, when I showed a playlist on my phone to my friend, it took her all of thirty seconds to guess who the playlist was about. (My playlists go with people that are important in my life at the moment). That was an awesome feeling, for her to notice and just know that about me. So be a friend. You never know when someone really needs it, and you never know when you'll need them to be a friend back.

"Real talk, with E.Z."
(This was just a joke a few of my friends had and it was the inspiration for this post)