As a teenage girl, I can say firsthand what it means to not have confidence. It's something most girls lack, because we live in a society that tells us to be perfect. Of course, the pressure isn't only on girls, but I'm going to stick with my own perspective.
The last time I had confidence was in early elementary. After that, I was self-conscious about my looks, the way that I dressed, my grades, everything. I purposely lowered my self esteem because I thought then it would be easier to be rejected. I acted differently because I was afraid i was too tall and too loud and these fears stayed with me. There was a really long time when I didn't think I would ever be good enough.
That's really sad, in my opinion. A young girl believes that she will never be good enough for stupid, superficial reasons. I did so many things in the attempt to be more well liked, not realizing that it wouldn't make me feel better. The problem came from within. It wasn't that people didn't care about me, it was that I didn't care about myself. And it is so important to care about yourself. Only you can do that. Other people will come into your life, they will care about you, and they will make you happy, but they can't be there every moment of your life. You're the only person who can give you love all the time, and you should.
My one disclaimer is this: you shouldn't just love yourself for whatever, you should be the best you that you can be.
Over the summer I came to accept myself. I've written a whole post about acceptance. But accepting myself was only that. I hadn't yet really cared about myself. Just last night, I had a revelation. I deserve the love that I've been given by so many people. I deserve my own life. I am good enough to do all of the things that I want to do. And honestly, that confidence feels really good. When people have given me praise throughout my life, it has always made me feel good. Of course it has. But coming from within, it's a whole other thing entirely. Confidence is something we avoid so that we can pretend to be strong in the face of rejection, so that we can blame something for our mistakes, and that's okay. That's how I lived my life, and I thought that was it.
It's worth it to try. It's worth it to try to be self-confident and love yourself. For a long while I thought I never would, but it happened. It's like a weight has been lifted, and I can live the life I've been trying so hard to live.
It came from me, but I couldn't have done it without my family and friends. The people that have always believed in me made it possible for me to believe in myself. Someone recently told me that someday I would see myself the way he sees me, and I would understand. He told me that I would believe in myself. He's never been more right, as much as I don't want to admit that to him. He's not the only one. Over the summer someone told me they hoped that I would eventually see the person that everyone else sees, the girl I've been since they met me years before.
We've looked in the mirror every day of our lives. We see our imperfections, we've memorized them. Other people don't see those things. They see the wonderful people that we are. It seems so silly now to have not had confidence before.
Listen to those people when they tell you those things, when they tell you why you're special. It took me so long to believe it, and I regret waiting so long. In a way, I never really believed it when people said they loved me, besides my family. I guess I thought that if they really knew me, they wouldn't care about me. But now I see that they did know me, and they did care about me.
I can be confident, I should be confident. In one day I've seen the difference, and I'm so much happier.
"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same."-Carlos Castaneda
Make yourself strong.
"And then, all at once, the love hits me. It crashes over me like a wave, all the affection that I've been holding back. But it isn't from you, or from Jay, or anyone else. It's from me. It's the love I've locked inside of myself and refused to give, thinking myself unworthy. But now I see that I am worthy. Deep down I've always known, but now it's here, in the front of my mind, and I believe in it. I believe in myself. A lifetime of love is crashing into me. That sun rose every day to light this world that I get to live in, and I've done more than anyone could ever ask for. I've loved more than i could have ever dreamed. And I've dreamed. I've dreamed of being the girl that I see in Jay's mirror. But now I see that I've been her all along. There just wasn't enough light."-Across the Mountain
