Open Up

It's interesting who we choose to open up to. Sometimes it's someone you've gotten really close to, or it's whoever's there when you can't hold it in any longer, or it's everyone you meet. Some people are just like that, they open up to everyone. But most people are a little more reserved. They only really talk about themselves, truly, to their close friends. Some people drop hints every now and then, if there's something they want to get off their chest but can't bring up. Those are the people I wish I could help. Everyone says that they're there for people, but when do you discuss things that are for private conversations only? Sometimes you have to go and talk to them if you want to be the person that helps them. The person they get help from isn't the one who waited for them to come around and ask for it. The best help, from friends, is unsolicited. 

But what I find fascinating is when we open up to whoever is there. There are people who bottle most everything inside, and sometimes it's too much. They say those little hints, and no one gets them because we're naturally self centered, so when they eventually burst who knows who's going to hear it and what they'll hear. I've seen it when people talk to me. As humans, many of us feel the need to share with someone. Most people want something from it. It's not enough just to tell them, they have to listen. To care. Everyone wants to be cared about, on some level. So in a way that's the reason behind sharing with "strangers", because the more people you tell, the more likely they are to care, right? The only way to remedy this is to be the person that cares. Listen to other people and try to understand them. Approach them, talk to them, and be their friend. Of course, you should probably know them pretty well first, or else this won't work. You have to give to get. If people made more of an effort to listen, then people would all get turns to speak. So when it's your turn to share, take it, and make sure you deserve it. If you've never actually listened to them, why should they care about you?

"Today for you, tomorrow for me." -Angel in Rent

Giving Up

Giving up something, on something, and on someone are some of the hardest things to do. Giving up something isn't that common of a problem. If it is, it's usually giving up a certain food, and by choice.

But then there's giving up the sport you love, or being in the play, because you think you aren't good enough or you don't have time or that's not what you're going to do so you think it's a waste of time. Honestly, this is sad to me. We should try to find time for everything, especially the things we're passionate about. After high school, I don't plan on doing anything theater related at all. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't be sound designer or try out for the plays or try to et an officer position next year. I want to do all those things, so I'm going to. I don't think I should have to give those things up.

I am going to give up the dream of being an actress or a singer or an author, because one in a million gets those things and personally, I don't want to do that. I don't want to have that kind of life, but that doesn't mean I have to be cynical and tell other people to give up that dream. 

Giving up on people is the worst. Sometimes you'll have a friend who you keep forgiving but your friendship just isn't working out. Sometimes you have to turn the page and finish that chapter of you life. Maybe you'll miss them, or the person they used to be. There are friendships I've had to give up on because they're from camp, and I'm never going to see them again. That sounds overly dramatic, but some people don't come back to camp the same week or at all, and that's that. Especially when you live as far away as I do from those people. 

Some people you have to give up on because it's just not working out. That friend you fight with all the time that you just have to stop going back to. That person in one of your classes that you could be friends with but in real life(outside of class) it probably wouldn't work. The ex that you try to be friends with but it's not working. That person from the play that you try to talk to every once and a while but it's just too much work because you've got so much else going on. Those are the people that you regret letting go of, but sometimes you just have to. There will be people that it's worth it to hold out for, to wait and keep trying until it works, but sometimes you're just kidding yourself. You can't do everything and keep friends with everyone you've ever known. It just doesn't work that way. So there comes a point when it's not worth it anymore. When the only thing left to do is walk away.

"A flood of memories flitted through my mind. We'd been together since childhood. Inseparable. Bound. And yet... "I'm sorry." I left her there as I walked toward the gate...turning my back on her..."-Shadow Kiss by Richelle Mead

Expectations

We all expect things from life, from ourselves, from each other. We don't do it on purpose, we just do. And it can really hurt us.

I expect to get good grades, and when I don't, I totally beat myself up for it. I expect myself to do all these things and do them perfectly, and I just can't. And because I expect these things from myself, I project that feeling and think that others expect it of me as well.

Most people just want you to succeed and be happy. And that's all we should want for ourselves, too. To be happy. We don't need to expect all these things, and other people don't expect us to do more than we can. They also won't have a misconception of how much we can do unless we set it up ourselves. Or maybe it comes from something else, but one bad job and no one expects you to do it really well from now on.

There are other kinds of expectations. Those ones we don't want to have but we do. These are more like dreams or hopes, but part of us just can't help but believe that it's going to happen. Beinga professional   sports player, being a famous musician, being an actor, an author, anything. These are things that we're told as teenagers that we cannot be. People expect us to give up these dreams, but we don't have to. Sure, they might not work out, but we shouldn't give them up just because someone else expects us to fail. 

And sometimes we expect things from our friends. We expect them to always be nice, always be in a good mood. We expect that guy to know that we like them and ask us out, and we expect everyone to know when we're in a bad mood and they need to stay away. We need to accept that people don't know what we're thinking. We need tostop expecting   things of others that we wouldn't want others to expect of us. 

I should find the quotes before I write these. 

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What do you believe?

Sometimes it doesn't seem real. My life, that is. I pause and I just think, "What am I doing?" In the past couple of days I've come up against a few people or situations in which I'm supposed to know what I believe. And I'll tell them. In that moment, it will be what I believe. But in all honesty, I just don't know. I can go on and on about things, but it will just be a long and complicated way to say that I don't know and I don't have any way to find out. I don't know, and I'm not stopping to think about it. Every once and a while I do, and I come up against the realization that all of this is trivial, but it's also the most important time of my life. It doesn't make sense to me, and I don't stop to try to make sense of it. I don't have the time to figure out what I believe, but I also don't think I have a way to.
When I was younger, I would come up with all these stories about how I thought heaven was, but they were just that-stories. It was how I wanted it to be, but I had no reason to believe that it was really that way. How can anyone be sure? I couldn't take someone else's word for it, and I didn't believe my own imagination could be right. That didn't and doesn't make any sense to me. That's the problem about writing fiction. I write all these stories where the worlds are different and beliefs are different and none of it is real. It makes me question why I should think anything in my life is real. Who's to say that the things I'm just supposed to accept are true are more true than something in a book?
But you see, it doesn't matter. Knowing all the answers will not change the way that I live my life. So I decide not to worry about it. The problem with that is that people ask me what I believe. They have to give me a label. Christian, jewish, atheist, agnostic, something. They can't just leave me unclassified. Because I believe that it is unclassified. There is no answer for me. We simply exist. There might be a reason, there might not, but there is nothing we can or should do about that. We try to ask the universe why, we want it to care about us. We can acknowledge it, and it will acknowledge us, and that is all that needs to happen. You can choose to believe in fate or chance or choice or whatever, but things happen, we live, and that's the way it is. Once I try to not question it, I get questioned, and one day they will understand. One day they will get that it is that simple for me. And we will all move on.

"A man said to the universe: 'Sir, I exist!'
'However,' the universe replied, 'The fact has not created in me a sense of obligation.'"-A Man Said to the Universe by Stephen Crane

The Friendzone

Now, this is something that really gets on my nerves. People complain about getting put in the friendzone A LOT. First of all, complaining about it is a great way to ensure that nothing is going to happen. Complaining in general annoys me because it's completely useless. I know I complain too, everyone does, but I try not to.
Anyway, the first thing about the friendzone is that it isn't just for guys. Girls can just as easily be put in the friendzone, and it happens. I've liked guys that only think of me as a friend.
The only way to get out of it is to say how you feel. If they're really your friend, then they'll be flattered you like them and still be your friend. Or maybe they like you too, and it only goes up from there. A while back, my best friend and I both thought we were in the friendzone, but then I asked him to formal and we dated for eight months. It just took saying how I felt and going for it. I've also had experiences where I've liked my friend, he didn't feel the same way, and we're still friends. The friendzone isn't a bad place to be. It means that the other person wants to be friends with you no matter what.
Now for those "smart nice guys" that always get put in the friendzone and she dates jerks. I'm sorry, but the sad truth is that she just isn't attracted to you. If you had the looks of that jerk, she'd be dating you. I'm not saying girls are superficial, I'm saying that they go for the guy they're attracted to, and they stay friends with the nice guys because they want you to stay around. They want to have you longer than the two weeks you would date.
So say how you feel. If it works out, great. If it doesn't, enjoy their friendship. If they can't get past it, then they aren't that great of a friend.

“It's just that I don't want to be somebody's crush. If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don't want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it too.”
―The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

Read Me

I don't know what I'm going to talk about today, so here goes. I just feel like I need to talk. Sure, that's what diaries are for, but sometimes we want people to read them. We want someone to see what we're thinking. We want to share those thoughts that plague us, those theories we come up with, and those jokes we create. Sometimes just writing it down can be helpful, but we need someone else to see it. We need confirmation that we're good enough. And I know we aren't supposed to, I know we're supposed to always believe in ourselves and be confident, but anyone who actually believes that is probably kidding themselves. We can get pretty close, but we aren't going to get anywhere in life if we actually don't care what people think of us. We need the boss of that company to like us, the director of that play, the admissions officer, the teacher, the list goes on and on. So yes, sometimes we need to do things for other people, not just for ourselves. It's okay to look good for a guy, as long as it's not just the one guy and when he gets a girlfriend you start dressing badly. You can want to look nice/be nice/do whatever for other people, just don't solely rely on them for it. Does that make any sense? I hope so.
But what I'm really talking about is writing. I write a lot. Fiction, mostly, but also this, of course. I want people to read my book and tell me that it's great, but exactly three people have read the entire thing. My parents and the publisher that turned it down. You know how that makes me feel? That no one cares enough to finish it? Not very good. And I know, no one cares about other people, but we need verification from others, we just do. I'm only human. And it makes my day when someone tells me they read my blog, because I like that people enjoy the things that I think about. I usually keep my thoughts to myself, only telling them to a select few people(period three). This way I can share them with the people who care enough to read them, and it's nice when those people identify themselves.
So I guess I've ended up talking about wanting people to like me. That's pretty sad, but it's natural. And it's not me, really, go ahead and hate me, but I want people to like my words. My words are everything to me. Especially my book. It's everything. And I love it more than anything else(family excluded). And so it's pretty hard when people offer to read it and then they stop after a chapter or two. Yes, I know it's long, that's why it's called a book.
Man, this whole post sounds very whiny. Oh, well. It's just to say that we all need confirmation sometimes, so if you're in the position to give it to someone, don't hold back.

"He flips the notebook open at random. Scans the page until he stops. He finally looks up, his eyes sharper, brighter, a more beautiful shade of green than they've ever been and my heart is beating so fast I can't even feel it anymore.
And he begins to read."-Unravel Me by Tahereh Mafi