Coming Out

Today is national bisexuality awareness day, also called Celebrate Bisexuality Day, Bisexual Pride Day, Bi Visibility Day, and other things. The point is, September 23rd is the day for bi people and our celebration and awareness. Coincidentally, it's also the day I came out, one year ago. It was the first time I actually said it out loud to another person. I was at my friend's birthday party, and I made some sort of joke about being into girls, and one of my friends asked, "Mackenzie, are you bi?" and I knew. I knew that the answer was yes, and I told them without thinking twice about it. They were all very supportive of me coming out, it was really nice. The thing is, though, that coming out never ends. Next I told my parents, but it wasn't a big ordeal. It just happened. I mentioned it. Once I figured out that I was bi, once I finally realized that this was a real thing and I accepted that I wasn't straight, I couldn't hide it. It made me really respect people who haven't been able to come out, for whatever reason, because it's hard. The terminology you use, the jokes you make, the comments you add, all of it can point to your sexuality, if someone is listening. Anyone that hides that has a tremendous strength, one they should never have to have.
And people always get that questioning look in their eye, wondering how I could have mentioned an ex boyfriend and an attraction to girls. I feel the need to explain my sexuality to people. That's what I mean by coming out never ends. You have to tell everyone you meet. Of course, you aren't required to tell anyone, but in this heteronormative society, people will expect you to be straight until you tell them otherwise. I lived in a very accepting community, but even with open minded people, I experienced a lot of ignorance. A lot of people told me that it was probably just a phase, that it wasn't valid because I'd never done anything with a girl.
Coming out can be really hard. I constantly worried that people would judge me, that people wouldn't want to date me, that they would make assumptions about me.
So today, I think about the past year. I think about everything that's happened in my life, and I think about how different it's been. I've known myself more in the past year than I ever have before. Of course, a lot of other things contributed to that, but I think being honest with myself and others about my sexuality has made a huge difference.
Since I got to Lewis and Clark, I've noticed a difference. People don't have that questioning look in their eyes. When I say that I'm bi, no one bats an eye and nobody looks surprised or says "I totally called that," or "are you sure?". It's really nice. There's a large gay population here, so it's going to be more accepted. It should be that way everywhere. There should be no more 'coming out'.
My mom recently told someone that I was in Portland, and they asked if I was a lesbian, and from what I understand, they were disgusted by that thought, because Portland is just crawling with us gays. It seems ridiculous that people think that way, but that's the reality. People are biased and rude and it does hurt. Living outside of that, I see how easy it is to be accepting.
Today also makes me think about bi erasure, and all of the problems that are encountered with that, but that's it's own blog post.


"I had a feeling something was wrong with me. I guess I was a mystery even to myself." Benjamin Saenz, Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe


No one should ever feel like something is wrong with them, especially not because of their sexuality. Today, we promote awareness for bisexuals. I hope I see a day when we no longer need that. I long for a day when "coming out" is not something anyone ever has to do.

New Friendships

I've just started college. Classes officially start tomorrow, but I've already completed my first homework assignment. For the last week, I've been running around doing orientation activities, and the week before that I was on a new student camping trip. It's been all about getting to know more people and figuring out the campus. The campus, by the way, is absolutely stunning. I'm writing this sitting by a stream in the forest not too far from my dorm. It's spectacular.
Then there's the meeting people thing. You meet a lot of people, yes, but no one really knows each other. Everyone has their best face on and is introducing themselves to everyone, trying to make sure they get the best group of friends. We've started forming groups now. Lots of groups are teams or friends from new student trips, but other groups are forming too. And I still can't help but think that no one knows absolutely anything about anyone else. You know the basics: name, where they're from, what dorm they're living in (maybe), and what they're majoring in. If you really pay attention, you might even know what classes they're taking. Now, you may be thinking, it's only the first week, of course no one knows each other yet. You would be correct in thinking that. My comment here is that we are all picking our friends somewhat randomly. And then these are our friends. Changing friends is possible, but it's not a simple thing. Then again, they also say that first semester friends never last. Now, either way, that's not so nice to think about. Either we lucked out and got great friends, or we got bummer friends that we get to change in at the semester. I dont know, it just seems a little strange. Perhaps that's because I've spent so long with the same friends. Meeting all new people isn't something I've had to do since kindergarten. Because these are the people that are going to be around for a while. You've got to pick good people.
Perhaps it's just because I'm a worrier, but I worry about picking the wrong people, or even just not the right group. It seems impossible now that I could ever be as close with these people as I was with my high school friends. But I know that we will be. It's simply interesting to reflect on how these bonds are made, how accidental and arbitrary it all is. But then, aren't all friendships that way? I'm simply experiencing new friendships at a heightened level, as we all do at this age, starting a new life.

All of that being said, I think I picked the right people. I feel good about my new life. I hope I'm right.

"Life is an awful, ugly place not to have a best friend." -Someone Like You by Sarah Dessen

I think I'm finding them, my best friends.

End of an Era: part 1-Domino's

Tuesday was my last day of work. I've worked at Domino's for over two years now, and that's a long time in the pizza business. A lot of our employees are in school, which means that they move away or stop being in school and leave the store. Our managers also have to move around a lot, which results in a staff that seems to completely overhaul every couple of months. I've been there for three managers, a whole host of assistant managers, more insiders than I can count, and some drivers whose names I never even learned. I started with answering phones, folding boxes, putting up labels, and helping carryout customers. Eventually I moved along from that to the makeline, and then I learned how to work the ovens. I was doing everything that could be done inside the store. I made pizzas that many of you have probably received. What I didn't expect to make was friends. Of course, I knew that I would enjoy the people there, I specifically started working there because one of the employees was my friend, but I never expected to care so much. They were only supposed to be acquaintances. For some of them, that's all they were. There were people that I got along with, but once they left, they hardly crossed my mind. Some of them, however, I still miss. Making pizzas with someone can really be a bonding experience.
Domino's is one of the most fun places I've ever been. With certain people, I was excited to go to work. Being there felt like we were all just hanging out, not doing our jobs. It was like a game to make the pizza in under two minutes, it was fun to all sing and talk together while we did it. Of course it was hard sometimes, and everyone has days where they absolutely do not want to go to work.
But overall, through the two years I was there, I loved it. I'm going to miss it more than I ever could have predicted when I walked in and asked for an application.
While working there, I learned a lot of skills that I am unlikely to ever use again. I know how to slap out a pizza and make it to Domino's standards, and I have an extensive knowledge of the Domino's menu. I did also learn a lot of things that will translate to future jobs, such as customer service and responsibility in the workplace and all of those lovely things. Most importantly, though, I learned about friendship. All through school, I've been friends with people my age. That's how it works at school, you get maybe a few years difference, but for the most part you're only with people that are your age. At Domino's we have a wide variety of ages, and it doesn't matter how old you are. It matters how good you are at your job and how much fun it is to work with you. Age doesn't matter in friendships. That's something I've learned is completely true, and I'll always remember that.
My closest friend from Domino's told me on our last day together not to say goodbye. At first I was offended, because our friendship had come to mean a lot to me. But then he said something along the lines of "no five second goodbye is going to really do our friendship justice." It's true, the small goodbye we would have gotten would not have felt big enough for how close we've gotten. So I didn't say goodbye, I just left. Hopefully that means that it's not over, that we're still friends without the store.
I don't want to say goodbye to all of those people, and I hope I don't have to. I hope I can see all of them again, and keep in touch with at least some of them. Even those who left my store before I did, I hope I can see them again.
This has been the end of an era for me, one I always knew would end, but I never expected to be sad about it. In a way, I think that's a good thing. Because if I miss it, that means it was a good thing for me. It means that it made me happy.

Committing to College

Last week, I sent in my $300 deposit and my housing preferences to Lewis and Clark College. This week, I sent cards to the other schools who accepted me, letting them know that I would be attending Lewis and Clark. (That's something you have to do for small schools, but not most big ones)  Today, I wrote on the facebook event College Map so that it would be in my school's newspaper that I am going to Lewis and Clark.
So it's official. That's where I'm going. I know that I'm by far not the first person to go through this and I won't be the last. Yet I still feel the need to talk about it. It's exciting. It's a big part of my life, it's a big part of anyone's life. I'm 18, and now I know where I am going to spend the next four years. It was my choice to go there. That's such a strange feeling.
It doesn't quite feel real. When I was younger, I looked up to high school seniors, they seemed so big and mature and like they knew what they were doing. Now I know the truth. We're all normal human sized, only mature on occasion, and we rarely know what we are doing. We're teenagers.
Lately I've been figuring out who I am, and that included figuring out where this new me would fit. Which college should I pick? At first it seemed like a daunting decision, but then I realized where my heart was. It was at Lewis and Clark.
Once I made that decision, a whole world of thought came crashing into me. All of a sudden, this was real. I'm going to college. I'm also leaving a whole world behind. When you commit to a school, that seems to be the next thing we all think about. As we get excited about what we're moving on to, it's hard not to take a look at what we're moving on from.
I'll always be close with my family. I'm going to be an hour and a half away from one of my brothers. I know that I'll never leave them behind. I won't get a new family.
However, I will get new friends. I won't hold on to all my high school friends, I know that from the people I've already seen go to college. I'm going to have to say goodbye to all of my friends here, to my school, to my theater, to improv, to work. My entire life that I've built here, all of the things I've done and people I've known...in a few months, I will be gone from it. It'll all still be here, but I won't be a part of it. Starting over completely can sound really good, but it can also be really sad.
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm really excited to go to college, but I'm sad to leave this behind me.
Starting a new chapter requires finishing the last one. As an avid reader of books, I know this quite well. So I'll finish this chapter. I don't want to skim it or skip to the good parts of college, I want to experience my last months as a high school senior to the fullest. I want to be ready to say goodbye.

“Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anybody.” 
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Test Anxiety

As my school quickly approaches finals week, the tests are rolling in. Some classes spend a lot of time reviewing. If you're lucky, you've got one of those classes. Unfortunately, you also have five others. Most of us are dealing with AP classes, which decide that the chapter test must be taken this week, right before the final. Of course we also have to write that essay before the final, too. And also that project is due this week.
Welcome to the end of the semester, where the lower the grade, the higher the anxiety. Everyone is studying like crazy or at least freaking out, trying to calculate the exact grade they need on the final to get whatever grade it is they want in the class.
How is this helpful? How is any of this good for us? In life, of course there are deadlines. Of course there are times when we really need to bring our A game. But I find it very hard to believe that all of the things in our life are going to have those times all during the same week. Of course, that's how it is in college, and finals in college mean even more than they do in high school. So we're preparing for college. What about experiencing high school? All my life I've heard teachers say they're preparing us for the next level, so much so that sometimes I wonder if we're ever in the correct level at all. We're children. We're told that we're not mature enough for a lot of things, yet we're given these high stress situations and expected to act completely normal. We're expected to just get through it.
Many people have test anxiety, where they freak out before or during every test. Finals week is particularly hard for those people, who are now experiencing high levels of stress practically nonstop.
This post is for those people. For anyone freaking out about tests and grades and finals and projects and essays: it will be okay. Your life does not rest on your transcript. That doesn't mean you shouldn't study, but it does mean that you shouldn't kill yourself doing it. On this three day weekend of ours, don't hole yourself up with textbooks. Take breaks, eat some ice cream. Remember that we're all going through this, and that it will be over.
There's a lot wrong with out society, and I think how we treat students is part of it. We are required to go to school. We're told that what we do now is going to define the rest of our lives. Everything we hope to accomplish rests on this test. How is that supposed to make us feel? It's supposed to motivate us, but I think for most people it just ends up being really scary.
Test anxiety is real, and it's here, and you will get through it.

“I promise you nothing is as chaotic as it seems. Nothing is worth diminishing your health. Nothing is worth poisoning yourself into stress, anxiety, and fear.” 
― Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience

Not Giving a F***

It's a common mentality to "not give a f***". And I put asterisks there because I don't know who's reading this, but it's always best to stay clean. Still, that's the phrase we use. People have decided that they don't care. That nothing is going to get to them and they're going to say "screw it" to the world. A lot of people I know have this mentality, and I understand where it's coming from, but I don't think they know where it's going.
People think this way a lot of the time because they've been hurt. They've been insulted or told they were bad or wrong too many times. They've been heartbroken, and that pain is worse than what they expected. This emotional pain is too much. So they decide to stop it. They don't care what people think about them, so they can't be hurt by it. They don't care what people expect of them, so they can't disappoint them. They don't care if someone doesn't like them, they don't care what happens. They give up on giving a damn. The problem with this is that no one can truly stop caring. They're always going to care, now they're just pushing it all down.
My main issue with this way of thinking is that people seem to think that it means they get to be rude. Nothing, absolutely nothing, gives someone the right to be rude. There is no purpose to being mean. If they don't care what people think, then they're going to be brutally honest. They're going to laugh things off even if it hurts inside, expecting everyone else to do the same. Not caring if everyone dislikes them.
How is that any way to live? Knowing that you're hurting others? Possibly driving them to the point where they don't want to care anymore? That's just sad.
Where it gets even worse is that these people really need love. Everyone does, but these people question why they don't have it. Everyone deserves to be happy. They've stopped caring, so why aren't they happy?
The simple truth is this: if you don't care about people's feelings, you can't expect them to have feelings for you.
If you constantly go on and on about how you don't care what other people think of you, you cannot turn around and complain that that boy or girl does not like you back. People give back what they get. If they're getting no caring from a person, they will stop caring for that person. I wish people would understand that "not giving a f***" is simply ruining their relationships with people.

I understand that their pain is real. I understand that they want to turn it all off. But I also understand that by doing that, they're shutting out the people who do care about them. The people that care. So the next time you tell someone you don't give a f***, think about them. Do you care about them? If so, you may want to think twice about telling them to their face that you don't. The more you tell people you don't care, the more they believe you. And the less they care about you.

“The closest thing to being cared for is to care for someone else.” 
― Carson McCullers, The Square Root of Wonderful

so maybe if we all cared a little bit more about other people, we'd get that happiness we all deserve.