Irrationality

There are some things that I just can't quite convince myself to do. They're small things, irrational fears, that don't even seem like fears. I can't go ice skating or rollerblading or skiing or snowboarding because I'm absolutely terrified of it. I don't know why, but I just really hate it. I want to be able to, but I just can't make myself. I won't try certain foods, and there's no real reason why.
Those are all little odd things. The real big one that I've been thinking about is a number. Why can I not bring myself to ask for a phone number? Am I really that nervous around this guy? It's completely irrational, but I can't bring myself to ask someone I've known for over a year now to become better friends. There's no reason why that should be a hard thing to do, yet I find myself backing down, making excuses. I just don't have the guts to do it. Should I accept that? Will I ever move past this irrationality? Will this continue on, or is it just for this person? There's so much of it that I can't explain.
There's so much of me that I can't explain. There are things that I do and say and think that don't make even the slightest bit of sense to me, but I keep on doing them. That's life, I guess. I just wish I had the courage to do some of these things, because I know I'll regret it. I regret them every day.
I wish I could end this positively. I'll ask for his number. I'll try a new food. I'll tell him(different him) how I'm disappointed. But I won't actually do those things. I'll continue to take my few minutes every other day and I won't get his number. And I'll always wonder "what if". Is life just me looking back? But now I'm thinking about me in the future looking back. So I'm thinking everywhere but the present.
Maybe it'll be better to forget. To not care, to keep going. Just keep going. Just another step. Forget the worries, the irrational worries that eat away at me. Life has enough real problems, and I'll deal with them as they come.
"Highs and lows make you feel that things matter, but they're nothing."-from Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

How we feel may make an impact on what we think is important, such as how my feelings make getting this guy's number such a big deal in my head, really it's nothing. There's nothing to be irrationally afraid of, those petty things are nothing. There is so much else to be something.

Real Talk

Sometimes you sit with someone and you just talk. You really talk to them, and all of a sudden you know this person better than anyone. Sometimes it's forced, like at Challenge Day or Trust Circle, but sometimes it just happens. Challenge Day is nice, but you didn't know those people before and chances are you won't talk to them much after. Trust Circle is something we do at camp, and it's awesome, but those people are camp friends.

The real talks that matter are the ones with real friends that last. When you decide to tell your friend something that you hadn't told anyone. When they notice something about you and just talk. When the others aren't around and you start to talk about who you really are.

I love those real talks. I just want to appreciate the times when this happens, and tell you to appreciate them to. 

When people share themselves, be grateful. They didn't just randomly decide to tell you. They picked you for a reason. Maybe that reason was because you're trustworthy, or you're quiet, or you told them something. But they chose you. So remember that. 

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, to be honest. I was just thinking about a time when we stopped joking around and were real, and how that moment was so different from any other. All of the moments were great, but the rest are a montage while that moment is a still, clear, picture. And I just want to remember to hold onto that, and to tell others to hold onto those too.
Because that's what I remember about a person. Sure, all of that other stuff is there, but that's what will be in my mind forever. When you told me something you hadn't told anyone, when I was someone you trusted. When you told me something you'd never told me before because you wanted me to know the real you. Someone should know the real you. Well, everyone should, but if you can't be you all the time, at least be you with someone. The joking and the playful teasing and the banter is great, sometimes it can be just what you need, but those real talks are needed, more so than most people realize.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, go open up to someone, maybe even me. It doesn't have to be deep, it can just be a time when it's not superficial. When you let that person know that they matter to you, no matter if it is only a little. And notice things about other people, when I showed a playlist on my phone to my friend, it took her all of thirty seconds to guess who the playlist was about. (My playlists go with people that are important in my life at the moment). That was an awesome feeling, for her to notice and just know that about me. So be a friend. You never know when someone really needs it, and you never know when you'll need them to be a friend back.

"Real talk, with E.Z."
(This was just a joke a few of my friends had and it was the inspiration for this post)

Looking Back-part one

This is labeled part one because I just know I'll want to write about it again. I just know. 

So last night, I had a dream about someone I haven't talked to in a long time. No, I'm not going to go on about how it was creepy that I happened to see them today. I didn't. But we were friends last year and this year we've barely acknowledged each other in the halls. It got me thinking about why we stop talking to people. Sometimes there's a reason, a big fight, whatever. But sometimes we just...stop. I've known a lot of people in my life who I've stopped talking to. I wish that we could still be friends. I miss those people. Especially the one I had the dream about, but that's fairly obvious. He was in one of my dreams, so I must be thinking about him. The problem with missing people is that they get built up in your head. I don't know if he's actually as awesome as I remember him, because it's possibly just my head making him more intelligent and witty, as he remains untainted by reality. Part of me thinks, oh well, at least I've got good memories. But part of me really wants to reach out to him. What's stopping me from becoming friends with him again? Am I scared? Of what? Sure, maybe he doesn't want to be friends. Maybe he doesn't have time. Maybe he doesn't even really remember me. But at least I'll have tried, and then I'll know. There's never any harm in just trying. Besides, there's plenty of other people that I've lost touch with that I could try to reconnect with. If you're reading this, I challenge you to reconnect with an old friend. Go and talk to that person you just outgrew. Maybe you'll be best friends. And if you're really feeling ambitious, mend the bridge. Find the people that you had a reason for not talking to anymore and fix it. The things we never try or say are our biggest regrets. I already regret not keeping in touch with him.

Keep in touch with people. You want to. You don't want to live your life wondering what might have been.

"Never look back unless you are planning to go that way.” 

― Henry David Thoreau

I've been told my quotes sometimes don't make sense. This one is pretty simple, but here goes: Don't regret the past friendships and relationships you've had. Be happy they happened and move on. If you can't do that, then maybe you need to revisit it. It might be best for you to go back and try things again. Especially if there was no reason it ended. If there was, don't relapse. Only go back for things you think you really should. I feel I really should be friends with that guy who popped up in my dream.

Happiness

There wasn't anything in particular that I wanted to talk about today. No pressing issues, nothing to rant about, at least not right now. So I guess I'll just talk about happiness. We don't realize how important it is to be happy. There were times when I would be unhappy, and I realize that it's useless. It doesn't get me anything and it's not pleasant. I think that's something everyone should do. People say that they can't just stop being unhappy, but I don't see why not. We choose what we focus on in life, and we can pick the happy things. If nothing in your life is happy, then you've got some serious upheaval to do. But I'm assuming there's at least one thing that you can focus on. Well, focus on it. Let that happiness spread into the rest of your life. Don't waste your life being unhappy. Or insecure, because those go hand in hand. Now, I'm not stupid, we're all going to be insecure or unhappy sometimes, but it's important to not dwell on it. I've gotten so good at it that I don't really know how to be really sad. Recently something happened that should have devastated me, but I can't make myself feel unhappy about it. I'm happy right now, happier than I've been in a while actually, and for no reason except that I like being happy. It's good for me, and it's good for you. So be happy. Enjoy the little things.
Today is one of my best friends birthdays. She's always so nice to other people, so I wanted to give her a good birthday. She usually doesn't get too much, it being the very beginning of school and all. I mean, everyone loves her, so of course she gets presents and stuff, but I wanted her to carry cookies and a balloon around and we're taking her to dinner tonight. And doing that for her makes me really happy, because we're doing it because we want to. And I'm not the only one. Plenty of people want to do stuff for her, and that inspires me. It's not just for her good looks, it's because she's a good person, and she makes people want to be nice. That inspires me, because she just spreads happiness.
So be like my friend, be like me. Be happy, and don't let things get you down. It's not worth being sad forever. Be sad for a bit, (mine is unusually short-less than a day), and then be happy.

I don't know, lots of quotes are about happiness. Go out and read a book, and maybe you'll find one.

Goodbyes

Saying goodbye can be one of the hardest things to do, but it can also be the best, or the easiest, or the worst. People say it all the time, but always with the intent on seeing the person later. Final goodbyes are much more substantial. They can be a final goodbye to someone you hate, in which case you'll probably celebrate. These are not as common, however, as the final goodbye of a loved one. The goodbye that you never want to have to say. Death can be a hard thing to deal with, and those final goodbyes are harder than anything else. They make me think about what I most want to say to people. If someone you loved or carted about was dying, how would you respond? What would you say to them? Say it to them now. Except for the I'll miss you and goodbye parts, of course. Those things do not need to be regretted words that you never got to say. Or imagine it the other way around. If you're about to die, what do you say, and to whom? Think about it, and it will reveal who you truly care about. It might surprise you.
That's not what I was intending to talk about, however. I was meaning to discuss final goodbyes of another matter. A broken heart is one of the most painful things in the world, and everyone has one at some point or another. Saying goodbye to the person that broke your heart, that you loved or still love, can be very difficult. You may want to scream at them or curse them, and many do, but some will not be able to. Because you love them. Just because they broke your heart doesn't mean you don't still care about them. Saying goodbye in this case is always going to be hard, but maybe it's for the best. If they thought something wasn't working out, and you loved them, then don't you trust their opinion? You may not agree, but you still respect their decision somewhat. Or not, it could have been a really bad breakup. But you also could have been the one who did the dumping. You obviously felt that it was for the best, but you still have to say goodbye. You have to let them go for the last time.
Goodbyes are hard. You'll cry, you'll be sad, but you'll move on. You'll move to the next hello and that will turn into a goodbye that will become the next hello. One chapter is finished, not the whole book. You have to trust that you'll understand someday, and that whether or not its for the best, it happened, and so now you should make the best of it. That's all there is left to do, really.

"'What should I do now?' She asked in a soft voice.
'Live. Live as fully as you can.'"-Angel's Ink by Jocelynn Drake

Acceptance

I don't know if any of you have ever been to camp before, but if you have, throw that thought away for now and let me tell you about Camp Bravo. It's not just a summer camp for theater kids. It's a magical place where people find themselves, accept themselves, and love themselves. And along the way they get a family to last a lifetime, people they can always trust, a wonderful learning experience, and a kind heart, if they didn't start with that. No one has ever not loved Bravo.

I just got home on Saturday, and words cannot describe the week I spent up the mountain. Nothing can. It's something that people who don't experience it never fully understand. 

This week they taught me to accept myself. This was my 6th year going and my 9th week. I've spent that time discovering myself, my inner clown, my acting/singing/dancing/writing/whatever else ability, new friends, and much more. But accepting myself for who I am has always been a problem. It's something I've never been very good at. Because yes, there are things I need to work on. There are things that will change. But these things do not define me. These things are a part of me that will go away with time. Of course no one wants to be the overreactive teenage girl, but that doesn't need to be all of me. I'm who I am, and it wasn't really until halfway through the week that I started to get that. It took someone asking me to dance, asking me if I was okay, giving me a hug, telling me the reasons why I shouldn't change, and writing me a love letter before I accepted myself. I am who I am, and that may change every second, but I deserve my own acceptance. Everyone does. When twenty four people tell you they love you, some after knowing you six years, some six days, it starts to sink in. So thank you Camp Bravo. And everyone else, remember that things change. Be happy with who you are.

"Bravo to do list:

1. Accept yourself for who you really are.

...

22. Breathe"-Purple Group

Fate

Fate has been debated since the day it was introduced as an idea. Is there something we're meant to do? Does every person have a path? Are things predetermined? Is it all random? Do we have a choice? There's no way to know for sure. It's usually a discussion of what you believe. Most people have an opinion on this. Fate, chance, choice, most people know what they believe. If they don't, they usually are set that they will never know. Others come to an epiphany, when something happens. When something horrible happens, the faith in fate drops drastically. How could that be part of some higher plan? Why would God or whatever you believe in do that? Many people in these instances turn to chance, where things just happen for no reason, and we have no control over it but neither does a higher power. If they did, then they would have stopped it. Others turn to choice, especiallyif the  horrible thing was a killing, or something that could be blamed on a person. Lots of people need to blame someone, to say that it happened because of that persons choice. It's hard for me to say. I don't like to make a belief for certain because in my mind there is no way to be sure. Knowing something to be true absolutely is something I don't know how to do. I'm too inquisitive to just accept something, and I have no way to check things like this. But anyway, fate. It's an interesting concept. That things all happen for a reason. Lots of people start to believe in fate when something wonderful happens. When you meet the love of your life, or your child is born, or something happens that is almost too good to be true. That's when the seed of faith blooms. It is planted when we are young, it is taught to many. It grows during these good events, and then in those wonderful times, it blooms, and people believe in fate. I've almost felt it when I meet some people. There are friends that are so great I can't believe I was lucky enough to meet them, and people so perfect for me I can hardly even process that they're in my life. It makes me want to believe in fate. In a reason for this blessing, for this life. Was it just random that I met these people? Was it fate that I tried out for that play or went to that week of camp or got into that class or went to that event? I don't know. Perhaps it was all just luck. Whatever it is, I hope that it keeps happening because I'm pretty happy right now.

"Does the walker choose the path or does the path choose the walker?" The Abhorsen trilogy by Garth Nix

On My Own

Yesterday many things, including the song On My Own from Les Mis, made me think about the idea versus the actuality of a person. In the song, she sings about loving someone, but it has gotten to the point where she loves himmore in  her imagination, where he loves her back, than in real life, where he is nothing but a friend. She isn't really in love with  him at all, just the idea of him. A version of him that only exists inside her head. It's interesting how people do that. Unrequited love leaves the person to create the relationship for themselves, to think all the time about what could(but most likely wont) happen. We can be in love with someone who doesn't actually exists, and this happens when we aren't   actually close with that person. This has happened to me with camp, in that I'm friends with someone only through Facebook and texting, so I have this idea of them that isn't always completely accurate. I've never felt in love with anyone from camp, but I have talked to some people later and realized that they have changed. Distance does that. If we don't  see them, we cant see how they've changed, which I guarantee they have. Sometimes I've felt it happen to me. Someone likes the idea of me, but I could  be replaced by someone else. It's a strange feeling, and it's different than being liked for you. I was at a concert for my schools music program, and all that music gave me some time to reflect. To think about what it feels like to be liked completely for who you are, and then it became clear what being liked as an idea felt like. It feels the same at first, but I think a lot of jealousy is born from it because of that fear of being replaced. It happens a lot in forbidden romances, because they're in love with the thrill and "danger" of it. A perfect example of this is Romeo and Juliet, who fell in love just days after Romeo proclaimed his love to Rosaline. Then there's mystery romances. The people you meet for what   seems like barely a moment and you simply must see again. That's the Cinderella effect. The actuality and the idea of a person are two very different things, but sometimes they're hard to distinguish. I'm glad I was able to when I knew someone where we both just liked the idea of each other. It was a few months ago, but it didn't make sense before now. So next time you start falling for someone, or you already have fallen, think about which of them you like better-the idea or the real?

"I love him, but only on my own."-from Les Miserables

Open Up

It's interesting who we choose to open up to. Sometimes it's someone you've gotten really close to, or it's whoever's there when you can't hold it in any longer, or it's everyone you meet. Some people are just like that, they open up to everyone. But most people are a little more reserved. They only really talk about themselves, truly, to their close friends. Some people drop hints every now and then, if there's something they want to get off their chest but can't bring up. Those are the people I wish I could help. Everyone says that they're there for people, but when do you discuss things that are for private conversations only? Sometimes you have to go and talk to them if you want to be the person that helps them. The person they get help from isn't the one who waited for them to come around and ask for it. The best help, from friends, is unsolicited. 

But what I find fascinating is when we open up to whoever is there. There are people who bottle most everything inside, and sometimes it's too much. They say those little hints, and no one gets them because we're naturally self centered, so when they eventually burst who knows who's going to hear it and what they'll hear. I've seen it when people talk to me. As humans, many of us feel the need to share with someone. Most people want something from it. It's not enough just to tell them, they have to listen. To care. Everyone wants to be cared about, on some level. So in a way that's the reason behind sharing with "strangers", because the more people you tell, the more likely they are to care, right? The only way to remedy this is to be the person that cares. Listen to other people and try to understand them. Approach them, talk to them, and be their friend. Of course, you should probably know them pretty well first, or else this won't work. You have to give to get. If people made more of an effort to listen, then people would all get turns to speak. So when it's your turn to share, take it, and make sure you deserve it. If you've never actually listened to them, why should they care about you?

"Today for you, tomorrow for me." -Angel in Rent

Giving Up

Giving up something, on something, and on someone are some of the hardest things to do. Giving up something isn't that common of a problem. If it is, it's usually giving up a certain food, and by choice.

But then there's giving up the sport you love, or being in the play, because you think you aren't good enough or you don't have time or that's not what you're going to do so you think it's a waste of time. Honestly, this is sad to me. We should try to find time for everything, especially the things we're passionate about. After high school, I don't plan on doing anything theater related at all. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't be sound designer or try out for the plays or try to et an officer position next year. I want to do all those things, so I'm going to. I don't think I should have to give those things up.

I am going to give up the dream of being an actress or a singer or an author, because one in a million gets those things and personally, I don't want to do that. I don't want to have that kind of life, but that doesn't mean I have to be cynical and tell other people to give up that dream. 

Giving up on people is the worst. Sometimes you'll have a friend who you keep forgiving but your friendship just isn't working out. Sometimes you have to turn the page and finish that chapter of you life. Maybe you'll miss them, or the person they used to be. There are friendships I've had to give up on because they're from camp, and I'm never going to see them again. That sounds overly dramatic, but some people don't come back to camp the same week or at all, and that's that. Especially when you live as far away as I do from those people. 

Some people you have to give up on because it's just not working out. That friend you fight with all the time that you just have to stop going back to. That person in one of your classes that you could be friends with but in real life(outside of class) it probably wouldn't work. The ex that you try to be friends with but it's not working. That person from the play that you try to talk to every once and a while but it's just too much work because you've got so much else going on. Those are the people that you regret letting go of, but sometimes you just have to. There will be people that it's worth it to hold out for, to wait and keep trying until it works, but sometimes you're just kidding yourself. You can't do everything and keep friends with everyone you've ever known. It just doesn't work that way. So there comes a point when it's not worth it anymore. When the only thing left to do is walk away.

"A flood of memories flitted through my mind. We'd been together since childhood. Inseparable. Bound. And yet... "I'm sorry." I left her there as I walked toward the gate...turning my back on her..."-Shadow Kiss by Richelle Mead

Expectations

We all expect things from life, from ourselves, from each other. We don't do it on purpose, we just do. And it can really hurt us.

I expect to get good grades, and when I don't, I totally beat myself up for it. I expect myself to do all these things and do them perfectly, and I just can't. And because I expect these things from myself, I project that feeling and think that others expect it of me as well.

Most people just want you to succeed and be happy. And that's all we should want for ourselves, too. To be happy. We don't need to expect all these things, and other people don't expect us to do more than we can. They also won't have a misconception of how much we can do unless we set it up ourselves. Or maybe it comes from something else, but one bad job and no one expects you to do it really well from now on.

There are other kinds of expectations. Those ones we don't want to have but we do. These are more like dreams or hopes, but part of us just can't help but believe that it's going to happen. Beinga professional   sports player, being a famous musician, being an actor, an author, anything. These are things that we're told as teenagers that we cannot be. People expect us to give up these dreams, but we don't have to. Sure, they might not work out, but we shouldn't give them up just because someone else expects us to fail. 

And sometimes we expect things from our friends. We expect them to always be nice, always be in a good mood. We expect that guy to know that we like them and ask us out, and we expect everyone to know when we're in a bad mood and they need to stay away. We need to accept that people don't know what we're thinking. We need tostop expecting   things of others that we wouldn't want others to expect of us. 

I should find the quotes before I write these. 

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What do you believe?

Sometimes it doesn't seem real. My life, that is. I pause and I just think, "What am I doing?" In the past couple of days I've come up against a few people or situations in which I'm supposed to know what I believe. And I'll tell them. In that moment, it will be what I believe. But in all honesty, I just don't know. I can go on and on about things, but it will just be a long and complicated way to say that I don't know and I don't have any way to find out. I don't know, and I'm not stopping to think about it. Every once and a while I do, and I come up against the realization that all of this is trivial, but it's also the most important time of my life. It doesn't make sense to me, and I don't stop to try to make sense of it. I don't have the time to figure out what I believe, but I also don't think I have a way to.
When I was younger, I would come up with all these stories about how I thought heaven was, but they were just that-stories. It was how I wanted it to be, but I had no reason to believe that it was really that way. How can anyone be sure? I couldn't take someone else's word for it, and I didn't believe my own imagination could be right. That didn't and doesn't make any sense to me. That's the problem about writing fiction. I write all these stories where the worlds are different and beliefs are different and none of it is real. It makes me question why I should think anything in my life is real. Who's to say that the things I'm just supposed to accept are true are more true than something in a book?
But you see, it doesn't matter. Knowing all the answers will not change the way that I live my life. So I decide not to worry about it. The problem with that is that people ask me what I believe. They have to give me a label. Christian, jewish, atheist, agnostic, something. They can't just leave me unclassified. Because I believe that it is unclassified. There is no answer for me. We simply exist. There might be a reason, there might not, but there is nothing we can or should do about that. We try to ask the universe why, we want it to care about us. We can acknowledge it, and it will acknowledge us, and that is all that needs to happen. You can choose to believe in fate or chance or choice or whatever, but things happen, we live, and that's the way it is. Once I try to not question it, I get questioned, and one day they will understand. One day they will get that it is that simple for me. And we will all move on.

"A man said to the universe: 'Sir, I exist!'
'However,' the universe replied, 'The fact has not created in me a sense of obligation.'"-A Man Said to the Universe by Stephen Crane

The Friendzone

Now, this is something that really gets on my nerves. People complain about getting put in the friendzone A LOT. First of all, complaining about it is a great way to ensure that nothing is going to happen. Complaining in general annoys me because it's completely useless. I know I complain too, everyone does, but I try not to.
Anyway, the first thing about the friendzone is that it isn't just for guys. Girls can just as easily be put in the friendzone, and it happens. I've liked guys that only think of me as a friend.
The only way to get out of it is to say how you feel. If they're really your friend, then they'll be flattered you like them and still be your friend. Or maybe they like you too, and it only goes up from there. A while back, my best friend and I both thought we were in the friendzone, but then I asked him to formal and we dated for eight months. It just took saying how I felt and going for it. I've also had experiences where I've liked my friend, he didn't feel the same way, and we're still friends. The friendzone isn't a bad place to be. It means that the other person wants to be friends with you no matter what.
Now for those "smart nice guys" that always get put in the friendzone and she dates jerks. I'm sorry, but the sad truth is that she just isn't attracted to you. If you had the looks of that jerk, she'd be dating you. I'm not saying girls are superficial, I'm saying that they go for the guy they're attracted to, and they stay friends with the nice guys because they want you to stay around. They want to have you longer than the two weeks you would date.
So say how you feel. If it works out, great. If it doesn't, enjoy their friendship. If they can't get past it, then they aren't that great of a friend.

“It's just that I don't want to be somebody's crush. If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don't want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it too.”
―The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

Read Me

I don't know what I'm going to talk about today, so here goes. I just feel like I need to talk. Sure, that's what diaries are for, but sometimes we want people to read them. We want someone to see what we're thinking. We want to share those thoughts that plague us, those theories we come up with, and those jokes we create. Sometimes just writing it down can be helpful, but we need someone else to see it. We need confirmation that we're good enough. And I know we aren't supposed to, I know we're supposed to always believe in ourselves and be confident, but anyone who actually believes that is probably kidding themselves. We can get pretty close, but we aren't going to get anywhere in life if we actually don't care what people think of us. We need the boss of that company to like us, the director of that play, the admissions officer, the teacher, the list goes on and on. So yes, sometimes we need to do things for other people, not just for ourselves. It's okay to look good for a guy, as long as it's not just the one guy and when he gets a girlfriend you start dressing badly. You can want to look nice/be nice/do whatever for other people, just don't solely rely on them for it. Does that make any sense? I hope so.
But what I'm really talking about is writing. I write a lot. Fiction, mostly, but also this, of course. I want people to read my book and tell me that it's great, but exactly three people have read the entire thing. My parents and the publisher that turned it down. You know how that makes me feel? That no one cares enough to finish it? Not very good. And I know, no one cares about other people, but we need verification from others, we just do. I'm only human. And it makes my day when someone tells me they read my blog, because I like that people enjoy the things that I think about. I usually keep my thoughts to myself, only telling them to a select few people(period three). This way I can share them with the people who care enough to read them, and it's nice when those people identify themselves.
So I guess I've ended up talking about wanting people to like me. That's pretty sad, but it's natural. And it's not me, really, go ahead and hate me, but I want people to like my words. My words are everything to me. Especially my book. It's everything. And I love it more than anything else(family excluded). And so it's pretty hard when people offer to read it and then they stop after a chapter or two. Yes, I know it's long, that's why it's called a book.
Man, this whole post sounds very whiny. Oh, well. It's just to say that we all need confirmation sometimes, so if you're in the position to give it to someone, don't hold back.

"He flips the notebook open at random. Scans the page until he stops. He finally looks up, his eyes sharper, brighter, a more beautiful shade of green than they've ever been and my heart is beating so fast I can't even feel it anymore.
And he begins to read."-Unravel Me by Tahereh Mafi

Uncertainty

We never really know what we're doing. Okay, maybe you do, but you are an exception. We're just running around, trying to do everything when we can't even hold onto one thing. It's high school. High school in my area, at least. Grades are our lives. Do you remember in Harry Potter when Hermione thought getting expelled would be worse than death? Well for us, that's true. We all try so hard and what for? To get into college. To get a better education. And then what? Most of us don't know. So what are we doing now? Everything we can. And will we get into the school of our dreams, if we even know what that is? We can't say for sure, not with how competitive it is now. We don't know what's going to happen in our lives, and no one ever has, but we're working so hard for a future we can't guarantee. And honestly, that scares me.
Our whole lives are uncertain, and that makes us uncertain. We aren't sure if there's a meaning to it all, and if there is what that meaning is, and if we should be doing what we're doing. During high school, we have to deal with all that, while our brains are still developing. And on top of that, our feelings are uncertain. Very few teenagers actually are completely sure of how they feel. This can be related to political and religious beliefs, and some people will continue with that uncertainty for the rest of their lives. It can also be related to emotions. We don't know how we feel about ourselves, our friends, our peers. We may think we do, but it's always fleeting, always changing. Try asking yourself how you feel. You might have an answer, but you might struggle with it. Sometimes I'm completely sure I'm happy, and other times I have no idea. Sometimes I think I'm something at first, but when I think about it I'm completely confused. Disappointed. Scared. Happy. Sad. Angry. Sometimes I just don't know.
But that's normal. I used to hate hearing that other people had the same problem as me. I was thinking oh great, don't worry about it, it's nothing, this happens to everyone? And I got mad about that. But now I see that it really just helps me. I'm uncertain about things. I'm a teenage girl. If I knew exactly how I felt all the time or whether or not I'm actually agnostic, then that would be amazing. But I don't, and eventually I will.
Teenagers need to enjoy high school. We need to stop stressing about all these uncertainties. No, don't stop working toward your future, but don't stretch yourself thin. Make sure to do things that you like, and be certain about as much as you can, for your own sanity. Let go of the things that stress you out. Be who you want to be, and if that changes, you can too.

"There was no direction."-Gone by Michael Grant

Ignorance Is Bliss

They say that ignorance is bliss. Maybe it is. What would ignorance mean? Would it mean not knowing about horrible things? Not realizing what human beings are capable of? I don’t know if that would be such a good thing. I think that all that would do is give more power to those that weren't ignorant. Sure, maybe the ignorant people would think they were happy, but would they be? Or would they just be living in this false pretense of happiness? What even constitutes as happiness? Is it when we forget who we are and everything else because right in that moment we’re happy? Or is it when we realize how wonderful things are and we don’t want anything to change? They’re kind of opposites, but they’re both ways that happiness is described. There’s also this connotation with happy moments that we don’t want real life to settle in. I feel like this is stated in books a lot. The two characters will be kissing, and it’s ‘all she’s ever wanted’ or whatever, but then real life sets in. They get an adrenaline rush on the mission, but then they have to get back to real life. Is this insinuating that happiness isn't real life? Can we not be happy with the lives that we have?

So, ignorance is not bliss. It can make us forget for a while, and we may think we’re happy, but eventually we’ll find real life. Real life will settle in, and then what? So that bliss can’t last. Real happiness can. We just have to accept the lives that we live and be happy with them. If we can’t do that, we should change the way we live. I’m happy right now. Sometimes I melt down or freak out, but we all do that. Those are a few things in my life that I’m not happy with, and I’m changing them. I’m not fixing them, I’m changing them. It’s my belief that when you feel like you’re broken, you’re not. You just aren’t finished yet. While you’re still going, you can mold who you want to be. And the things that you’re happy with can just be. You don’t have to hold onto them for your life, just be happy that they’re there. A lot of things in my life are like that right now. I’m not doing anything about it except enjoying it, and it seems to be working out for me. Of course, if it’s a person, there’s generally no harm in telling them you care about them, you appreciate them, you love them, whatever it is. You can just tell them that they make you happy, It is important to recognize those responsible for happy parts of your life, just as long as your happiness isn’t completely reliant on one person. If it is, that person should be you. I want to say that they’ll be there, but we established that ignorance is not bliss. They may not always be there for you, so you have to be there for you.

“My life is just about perfect.”-Renegade by J. A. Souders

Strength

Today I've been thinking a lot about strength. Not physical strength, but mental strength. The ability to stay strong through a tough situation, to smile despite the tears and laugh despite the pain. I've witnessed a lot of strength in my friends that I don't think even they see. Life happens, and we can't predict the emotional roller coaster it's going to take us on. So we don't know if we're going to be really happy when we happen to have a sad event to go to, or be really sad when we have a big party that night. Some people would not go, or allow their feelings to take over the event. Those people are the weak people. When they're sad, it's all about them. Now every once and a while that's okay, but this post is for the strong people. The ones who hide what they're feeling so that everyone else can enjoy that party and everyone else can live their lives. Those people are strong. They know that it's not all about them, and they can wait for their turn. It comes, but not right away. Maybe it's a day or two after their pet died that their friends can all give them a hug and talk about how much they all loved that pet. Those people can handle things, they can go through the worst things and it might be a while before anyone notices.
To those strong people: it's okay. You can let go. It's hard to be strong. To hold your own feelings inside because you don't feel like your feelings are important enough, or maybe you just don't like sharing, but you need to. I applaud you for being strong, but you need to talk. To vent. To scream. To cry. To laugh. To hug and be hugged. Now is your time. The more you hold it in, the worse it's going to get. You've waited through all your friends problems, through all the fun nights you didn't want to spoil, through all that other stuff that you told yourself was more important. It's not. The strong people are the ones that get left out, because they're busy helping out the others. They're looking after everyone else so much that no one thinks to look after them.
I was really thinking of one friend I have. At first, I was the strong one, and I broke down to her Thursday night about something that had happened that made me sad. She helped me tell our other friends the next day, and I was much calmer than when I had told her the first time. She held me up when I wasn't strong anymore. I finally had accepted that it was my time. If I was allowed a time to be sad, it was then. But then I thought about her. About how she was always holding me up and helping me. She makes these comments sometimes, and sometimes they're more than comments, and so far I've done nothing. I've been like every other person out there, thinking of my own problems and letting her be strong. But she deserves to let down her guard. To not always be the strong one, and I hope that I can give that to her. Maybe she talks to someone else, but part of me has this feeling she's like me, I just cracked first. But it's not a competition. Being strong isn't always a good thing. It gets tiring, frustrating, and sometimes sad. There are things that shouldn't be ignored.
If you have a friend that this made you think of, someone that you think might be the strong one, talk to them. Even if they don't think they do, they need to talk to someone. No one can be strong all the time. Well, maybe they can, but no one should have to be.

"'I can't do it by myself,' I whispered.
'You can,' he said. There was a tremulous note in his voice. 'You're strong—you're so, so strong. It's why I love you.' " -Shadow Kiss by Richelle Mead

How Are You?

This is something we ask and get asked a hundred times a day. Not exactly that many, but you get the point. Anyway, no one actually wants to know how anyone is. It's just something that we say, it's part of our socially accepted greeting. Then we always answer that we're good, or fine, or whatever, and both parties move on. Sometimes we don't even think about what we're saying, and we find ourselves telling people we're doing great when really we're not at all. It's a natural reaction when people ask how we are to lie to them. It doesn't seem like a lie, because they don't want to know the truth. They don't want to hear that you aren't alright, that you are not okay, that you're about to cry. That might be a but extreme, but maybe you're having a bad day. The sad truth is that most people don't care. They don't know what to do if you don't respond with one of those predetermined answers. So with most people, saying you're good is probably the right answer. But some people do care. There are people in your life, friends or family or teachers or even me, that care how you're doing, so in that case tell them. Because that I'm not fine is going to eat up at you inside if you don't tell someone. Make sure it's the right person to tell, because the right person will help you out, and the wrong person, well, they're the wrong person. Don't let your feelings get so much that you have to tell them to someone, because then they'll all spill out to someone you don't want them to, and you'll regret it.

"'Okay?' 'Okay'."- The Fault In Our Stars by John Green

Instinct

Instincts. We all have them, and they're there for lots of different things. We all get the instinct not to go down that dark alley by ourselves, not to call out to see if the killer's in the house, and to fight/flight(whichever you prefer) if someone attacks us. But that's not what I want to talk about. I'm talking about the instinct we have to become someone's friend, to stay away from someone, to do our homework or not, or to say that comment we're considering saying. Those things that you could't possibly know but somehow you just have a feeling. I learned today that I should listen to those instincts. I had a feeling that I should push forward to start a comedysportz team at my school even though odds are against it, and we just got permission for it, it's going to happen. I had a feeling I should go see the school play last night and now here I am, running the light board because their usual guy couldn't make it. Those things worked out well for me because I went with my instincts, and not with what other people told me or expected. They may seem like small things, but these are just recent examples. It's almost just making the right decision, some people will say it's just chance. But I believe in that feeling you get. It happens when you shouldn't do something, too. Like when everyone tells you to go for that guy, but some little voice is telling you not to, and you go for him. Then you end up getting hurt, either with immediate rejection or break up, and if you ask me, that's generally worse. But if you listened to that little voice, it could have been avoided. All sorts of things can come from your instincts, and it's worth listening to them. Go against the odds, do what feels right to you. You'll have more fun than if you just follow all the rules and do what you're told.

No quote because I couldn't find one. It's harder than it looks.

Everyone's a Winner

In this day and age, the phrase "everyone's a winner" is one that is persistently ruining the concept of competition.
In almost every competition today, they don't actually compete. Everyone just does whatever it is they're doing and then they get an award. Everyone wins, they all get a medal, regardless of talent. This makes it so no one learns anything. They all believe they're the best, and it's not going to end well for them. Sure, confidence is great, but people need to be realistic. Competitions help people learn what they're good at and what they need to work on. It's a learning experience, and this whole "everyone wins" thing robs people of that opportunity.
It also makes people expect to win, and they value the prize more than the actual work they're doing. No matter what their score, they expect a prize. They expect to get something even if they're horrible, and that's not right. If you don't do something well, you're not going to get rewarded. In the real world, you're going to get fired, or at least reprimanded, and the idea that you should always be rewarded is ridiculous.
Be careful about your expectations. Not your expectations for life or whatever, but what you expect to get when you do things. Because if you are one of these people, most of the time people are just going to see you as an obnoxious person who doesn't know how to lose. Knowing how to accept a loss is important. If you don't know how to lose, you can't grow from it, you can't learn, and you can't move on. No one wins all the time, and the concept of "everyone's a winner" is making it so people don't realize that.

"If more of us valued food and cheer above hoarded gold, it would be a much merrier world." -The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien

Being Nice

It's a lot of pressure to be nice all the time. Maybe it's just me, but I feel like I always have to be nice and kind and caring. Most of the time it's natural, and I'm actually just being nice, being me. But the small fraction of time when I'm just done, I feel like I have to be just as nice as I usually am. It's stressful. I feel like I'm not allowed to say a mean word, ever. When I do, people either laugh because I'm joking or they look at me with these hurt eyes and then I have to apologize. Sometimes it isn't my fault. See, when you're nice all the time, you say yes to things, which leaves your to do list longer than most. And when you have that much to do, sometimes you just want help. And when no one is helping me, I get frustrated, and then I either yell at a friend who then looks hurt, or I yell at my family, who totally doesn't deserve it because they do help me. I just need to learn to say no. I'm spreading myself too thin, always doing something, always choosing the nice option. Well, I don't want to. I don't want to be really nice.
Another thing about being nice it that you can be too nice. You all know that person that's really annoying and people don't like simply because they're too nice? I'm scared all the time that that's me. Sometimes I truly think I'll become that. Now I know this seems weird, complaining about being nice, and maybe some of you are thinking "what is she going on about, she isn't nice", but it's not really about that. It's about the pressure. The feeling that other people expect me to be a certain way. When people ask me to do something, they expect it to get done and get done well, because that's how I do things. I'm capable and I like to help people out. And usually, I don't like to ask for help.
People like me are too proud. We know that we can do something, or at least we want to be able to, and we won't ask someone to help us. We'd rather do it or attempt to do it than admit that we want to be helped. Truthfully, I wish someone would come along and help with something. Anything. It'd just be nice if they could scratch one thing off the list so that I could breathe a little easier.
In this day and age, we're expected to do a lot of different things, mostly to boost our resumes so we can get into a good school. It's ridiculous. And it makes me feel like I have to do all of those things perfectly, including grades.
Everyone has these pressures, I know. I just feel like people act like it's super easy for me. The phrase "of course you are, Mackenzie," pertaining to just about anything, pisses me off. There's no "of course". I do a lot of work in everything that I do, and it exhausts me just as much as it does everyone else. Then you could argue that if I have time to write a blog, then I have too much time. This takes me about ten minutes to write, at most. And it's not really about the time. It's about the work, and the expectations. And the feeling that no matter how much I do I'm never going to be done.
This is all about being nice because through all this, I'm expected to be happy all the time? To never get mad at anyone? To be nice? I can't tell you how many times the first adjective used to describe me has been nice. Not smart, funny, pretty, or anything else. It's almost always nice.
It's not that people aren't nice to me. People are generally nice to me, so it's not one of those issues. It's just that I can picture most of my friends yelling at us for no reason and we'd shrug it off, but if I did that? I feel like I'd get strange stares. I try. I really do try to keep it together sometimes...but no one really seems to get it. This whole post is probably going to make no sense to anyone who reads it. Sometimes the things that go on inside my head don't want to stay there, and I want to scream at people for assuming that I'm fine, that I'm always nice, and that I don't do things wrong. Then again, this is called Inside My Mind A Moment, and the world is selfish, so what can I do?

"which is impossible, but what can you do?"-Company by Stephen Sondheim (book by George Furth)

Girl Pressure-Being Pretty

First of all, I didn't post yesterday. I don't know if that actually matters to any of you, but still, sorry.
Being a girl. It's an age old topic, because half the population can never know what it's like. In our society, being a girl oftentimes includes a pressure to look good. We have unrealistic standards of how we should look, and we know that, yet we still strive to be that way. Sometimes I don't care and throw on a sweatshirt and jeans, but the truth is, I want to be someone that people consider pretty. I think that deep down, most girls do. Some not so deep down. And it's sad, because everyone is pretty in different ways. It's completely stupid of us to expect everyone to be exactly the same. If you didn't inherit certain genes then you're somehow not as good as someone else? "It's not who we are inside, but what we do that defines us." That's from Batman. I'm going to take this literally for the sake of example, and say that it's not our DNA that defines who we are, but the things that we do. So we shouldn't rely on being pretty. Truthfully, being pretty is going to help you in life. Really pretty girls get more, it's just a fact. But by not relying on that, you can get more. Pretty or 'not', you can do well in life by owning the other parts of who you are. Relying on looks is the easy way out. But you know, sometimes you just can't help it. You don't know you're using your looks to get something. That's okay. I don't really know, I've never done it, but don't let your looks consume you.
I guess this could apply to guys, but girls have to deal with trying to look good every day. I realize I talked about being pretty and not being a girl, but they go hand in hand. That's the most stressful part about being a girl, if you ask me. Yeah, yeah, childbirth and periods and all that, but don't you think we've complained about that enough?

"It's not who we are inside, but what we do that defines us."-Batman Begins

Social Awkwardness

So today I'm going to talk about social awkwardness. At first I was going to talk about boredom, but I realized it would end up being about awkwardness anyway(as that is what comes of boredom in public), so here it is.
Being "awkward" has become something cute and admirable in today's society, as a product of the adorably awkward stars like Zooey D-something on New Girl. Of course, awkward can be adorable, but most of the time, true awkwardness is just a hinderance. To the awkward person, not anyone else.
To be socially awkward is to not know what to do in a social situation. Many people have become this because of smartphones and other mobile devices that monopolizes our attention while in public. I'd like to say I'm exempt from this, but I'm sitting at a track meet, writing this on my phone. We've created a generation of people that, in most situations, will turn to their phone instead of another person. Now, our phones have a lot of great uses, I just think that it's gone a bit overboard. In a way, we're rendering real social interactions unnecessary, and that scares me. That creates all these people who don't know how to act around other people.
Social awkwardness is not confined by just that. It includes those kids that are anti-social, and the one time they go to a party, they immediately leave or they don't have much fun. It also includes that kid that hangs on the outside of groups. There's also that kid that at first seems really fun but just has not had enough friends to really realize what is and is not socially acceptable.
Of course, all this leads back to the fact that social awkwardness is defined by social standards that seem arbitrary. Who came up with those rules that just seem to be there? They aren't written down, they're barely spoken, yet they're there. Everyone has to follow social rules. Well, technically you don't, but let's face it, you have to have so much courage to step outside of them. I'm not saying conform, I'm talking about not making animal noises in public. Go ahead, but people are going to judge, and you're probably just doing it for attention. I don't know though, maybe you enjoy it. Whatever you want. Anyway, we've come up with these rules, and we, as a society, will enforce them. We've decided this group of people we deem "socially awkward", so it's our choice on how we deal with it. To be honest, I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this. I guess I'm just trying to say that we are society, so don't feel confined by what society says. The connotation of "awkward" has changed before, many things have. We have the the power to change it, maybe not individually but as a whole, and that takes the individuals doing it on their own, there isn't going to be an announcement. It's just going to happen.

"It would be so nice if something made sense for a change."- Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll

Who We Are

I feel like people spend a lot of time trying to figure out "who they are". It's almost an obsession with today's society. There are camps and self-realization clinics and a whole bunch of other things that help people to better understand themselves. Doesn't life do that for you? There's an existentialist belief that what you do and how you react to things makes up who you are, it's not something that has always been there for you to 'find'. I'm not quite sure if I'm that extreme, but I do think that the person you are isn't waiting to be found. It's there all along, you just might be a little confused at first, that's all. Especially in high school, and I don't know how long this lasts, but we have different sides. Everyone acts different ways around different people, and sometimes they're so separated that we feel as if only one of them must be our true self, especially since we feel all this pressure to know who we are or what we want or whatever. We feel the need to deem one of them real and the rest made up, but the truth is we're all of them, we just need to find a balance. See, sometimes I have this 'dark' side, if you will, and it can be quite...well, I'm not even sure how to describe it. But it's nothing like the happy, nice side I show to my group of girls. Whenever I'm acting each way, I'd like to believe that that's who I am, but it's not. Either way, I'm lying about a little of it. We also do that. Lie. A lot, actually. Just little lies all the time and sometimes we don't even know why we say them. Usually it's to impress someone that we don't consciously want to impress, or to fit in, or for any other reason that most of the time we're not even aware of unless we're being brutally honest about it. And when was the last time a teenager was really honest with themselves? You may be thinking right now that you're honest with yourself, but we all have a sense of being lost or insecure sometimes, and we can't show it all the time. Every time you bury a feeling, you're not being honest with yourself. And that's okay, I'm not saying it's bad. It's a part of life. Anyway, I'm a bit of both of those things, but most of the time I feel I can't show both sides without being judged for one of them. I know I shouldn't care, but again with the honesty, I do. I don't want to be judged for who I am. I am who I am, and I can't be anyone else, so it'd be really great if people didn't judge me for that. So I usually pick one of my sides to be (there are more than two), and it leaves me wondering who I am. Who am I, really? Honestly, I'm not sure. I'm a mix of all the different "me"s that I present to the world, but I don't know how much of each one is put into the mix. It's not something I have to find on a mission or some other spiritual journey or whatever. It's something that I'm going to grow into as I grow up. I'm going to find out who I am as I live, and it's going to always change. I guess it almost doesn't matter who I am, but who I'm aiming to be. I'll accept the parts of me that have to stay the same, but the things that I can change, I'll focus on how I want them to be. A cake doesn't get baked by staring at the batter. You have to turn the oven on.

"He looks like nobody but himself."-The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman

Music

This post is inspired by my boyfriend, who really likes music, and he gave me a mixtape today, so it got me thinking about music. Music means more than most things to a lot of people. It's inspiration, motivation, creativity, emotion, and brilliance. At the same time, it's noise. It's just a random grouping of noises that we have deemed as sounding good. Take dupstep for instance. It's a kind of music that I happen to enjoy, but many people don't understand how it can even be counted as music. A lot of modern music is seen as "not real music" simply because people still have an "old" frame of mind when it comes to music. Don't get me wrong, I love older music, and I really don't like a lot of the music that's being produced right now, but it is still music. People are entitled to like it. What I do't like is that music can make a difference in the world. It's a way to send a message that is nonviolent, efficient, and really smart. I wish more people took advantage of that in a positive way, instead of sending messages that are going to nurture the human stupidity. This does not mean all music is stupid, it means that it's not making people think about what we're doing to the world, how people are getting treated, and what is really happening. It's talking about who you should be doing it with and what drinks or drugs you should be doing. Not to sound like a parent or anything, but I really don't think those are necessary in songs. Words are a powerful thing, and they can be a weapon or a tool. This goes for all social media outlets. I think that when we have the ability to send profitable messages, we should. Simple as that.
Anyway, music. Most people have music tastes. They have certain things that they like or don't like, and I totally get that. But I like pretty much all music. It all has something to say, regardless of what that message is, and generally I think most of it sounds pretty good. Alright, some of it I just don't understand at all and I can't listen to more than a song of it, but I can endure.(really my taste in music is arbitrary) And I'm not going to hate on someone else for liking it. I don't really understand hate. I really don't see a point for it at all. I know that sounds very hippie or whatever, but I don't see a reason to hate anyone or anything. You shouldn't hate a person, for any reason. Especially if it's a celebrity or something, because you don't know them. You may dislike their product, but you do not know them as a person, so judgment is unnecessary and I believe it's just going to make you look unintelligent. You shouldn't hate a thing, because what is your hate going to do? Absolutely nothing except annoy you and all the people that you choose to tell about your hatred. Back to my music tastes, despite being slightly random, my boyfriend somehow manages to get all songs that I really do enjoy onto my mixtape. Also he's introducing me to some music that I never listened to before, but I find that I really like. So good for him, I guess.
Music, to me, is really just a snapshot of what the times are. The songs that are made in a certain era explain what's happening. So what's going on right now? What does our music say about our society? I'm not sure, actually. I think it says a lot of things, but it's all perspective. If I've learned anything in life, it's that nothing is finite or defined. Everything is going to be different to different people in some way. It's all taken different ways and the perspective keeps changing, all it takes is one little shift and everything seems totally new. Nothing can be judged, really, because it's all based on what we've decided is good or bad based on the perspective of who was in charge, the loudest, or whatever it was. I can't decide if that's amazing or horrifying.

"If music be the food of love, play on; give me excess of it, that, surfeiting, the appetite may sicken, and so die."-Twelfth Night by William Shakespeare

I Miss You

Today was the first day back from Spring Break at my school, and it made me think about a lot of things. First of all, I really don't like school, further pushing myself into the mold of a typical teenager. Second, I really missed all the people I didn't see, from my close friends to the group of guys in my PE class. It also made me think of how Spring Break is just a teaser for Summer Break, but I'm mostly going to talk about missing people. To miss someone is not usually a good feeling, but it's something most people experience. Sometimes it's because of a death, and that's always hard, but something we can eventually move past. We miss people that aren't with us. To miss someone is to wish that we were with them. At least to me, that is. I know that I'm going to miss my friends over break, and that's all fine because I spend a lot of time with them. But it's my class friends that I'm surprised about. I didn't even realize that I missed them until I saw them again today, and I realized that they're important to me, each on a different level. That's what it made me realize, that all these random people in my life mean something to me. I mean, the guy I'm dating right now used to be just some guy in the orchestra for the play I was in. So I need to remind myself to get to know those people better, because you never know who they're going to be in your life. It's like when they say that the person you're going to marry someday is out there somewhere, and maybe you've met them already, even just in passing.
Another thing about missing people is the really hard kind of missing. They're the people who aren't physically in your life anymore, and all you get are those texts that aren't the same as words and those rare calls or video chats. You miss them so much, but they're still there, in a way. This happens when a friend moves away, or when you met them at camp or on a cruise or something, or sometimes when a friend just becomes distant from you. It's hard to miss them because in a way, they are there, just not to the extent that you want or need. I have a few friends like this, from my summer camp that I absolutely love. And sometimes when pur texts become fewer and fewer, I get the feeling that it's not even worth it to miss them at all, but it is. Anyone that is worth caring about when they are there is worth caring about when they aren't, and I just have to work on my patience. Patience is the key to missing someone successfully, without it feeling pointless or stupid or like they don't care about you at all. Honestly, I think that caring about someone is one of the hardest things in the world to do.

"What I say in an entire paragraph you can say in three words."-Blood Promise by Richelle Mead

Always a First

So I've always thought blogs were a little weird, but recently my friend Cat started a blog (see link below), and her posts have been really inspiring. It made me think that maybe I should try this, and I'm the kind of person that actually would, so here it is.
My name is Mackenzie, and I'm a typical high school girl, I think. I get pretty good grades, I've got awesome friends, an adorable boyfriend (although I'm not sure how he'd feel about getting called adorable), a supporting family, I do theater, and I write. That's me, in a sentence.
I feel like people want to be more than a sentence, they want to be great and fantastic. But the truth is that everyone can be described in one sentence. Now, don't get ahead of me here and think I'm going to be mean and depressing. A lot can fit into one sentence, and you get to decide how that sentence is written. It can be "I play the violin." or it can be a list like mine was, or it can be "I discovered the cure to cancer." Everything depends on how you choose to present yourself. People very rarely present themselves as someone awesome, and I think it's sad. Everyone should be proud of who they are, and frankly, that shy kid who never tells anyone how good they are at something is never going to get anywhere with it. For example, I'm a singer, and when i tell people that they always expect me to sing for them. I can either sing or sit there and be embarrassed, and I know which one is going to make it so I'm not confident enough to make it in the professional world (that's not what I want to do with my life, but for the sake of the example...)
Also, that one sentence to describe yourself can tell you who you are. What words you use tell you more about how you feel about yourself than they do your hobbies or interests. I believe that word choice is key to almost everything. It does a lot, and in any sentence, any single sentence, each and every word is important, so people should realize before they dismiss something. The simple things in life get ignored in life, but how difficult would it be for you to express yourself if the word "I" didn't exist? "It"? "And"? Appreciate the small things.
So that's me. I'm going to post here when I can and just write about anything. I'll take you inside my mind a moment, and you can enjoy, hate, comment, ignore, or do whatever else kids do these days.

"A cabin of freshly peeled logs cut from the land, a patch of dirt and stumps for a yard, mountains that serrated the sky."-The Snow Child by Eowyn Ivey

http://theworldsmycoloringbook.blogspot.com/