Words

Last saturday night, I went to a Best buddies event. Best buddies creates friendships between students with and without disabilities. After the event I drove my brothers friend home, and-being a 17 year old driver-I didn't have enough gas to get home. So I went to the gas station. As I was getting my $20 worth of gas at 11pm in my fancy dress that I was wearing for the event, a big white car pulled up. They were at the pump across from me, but no one got out. They rolled down the windows and I couldn't see the driver but the other passengers looked about thirteen. They started shouting at me some pretty mean things that I won't repeat here. It was stupid and obviously they were just learning to cuss, but I couldn't even react. They pulled away, without getting gas, and continued to say things that were quite rude. To be honest, I'm mostly just dissapointed. It's sad that there are people like this. That need to do this for fun, confirmation, whatever. But I spent the whole night doing something that I love and feeling good, feeling like I was the person that I want to be, and they come along and make me feel like crap. Some random stupid guys can come in and make me feel bad, that doesn't seem right.
People need to be aware of the effect of their words. Words are a powerful weapon, a powerful tool, and they need to be used wisely. Words can uplift a person, but they can also bring them to tears. Words, written or spoken, have an impact, and this night, seeing words have such a positive and then negative effect, it really sunk in. I don't know if this isn't taught to people anymore, but it's really sad when people are rude. There is nothing good that comes of it, yet it happens so much.

"The pen is mightier than the sword."-I'm pretty sure this is a famous quote

Theater

I (kind of) recently got back from the CETA(California Educational Theater Association) festival. I met a lot of really cool people, saw some shows and scenes, and went to workshops. Overall it was an amazing weekend, and the focus was the importance of theater in our lives. There was a lot of money given out as scholarships for the arts, and that's such a cool thing that those people are one step closer to being able to follow their dreams. Not everyone there is going to go into theater (onstage, backstage, on-camera, etc), but all of us are involved now. All of us were a part of our schools production and worked with our casts and crews to make the best show we could. Theater really is a wonderful thing. It opens up so many new things to us and teaches us so much.
It teaches us to find new families. In the cast of our fall show, I found new best friends and became closer to old ones. We've all learned how to take a group of strangers and immediately become family. Doing a show with someone forces you to become close to that person because to be in theater you have to be open.
That's another thing it teaches us. To be open and bold. At CETA, you find a whole group of kids that aren't afraid to make funny faces and introduce themselves to people, to get close to someone they don't know in a workshop or scene. People will come up to you and compliment you because judgments are suspended. You can hold up a sign that says applause and everyone will stand up and cheer. It may just seem like an auditorium of weird kids, but it's more than that. It's nice kids, it's kids that are willing to let go and just have fun, at least for the duration of the theater event.
Now theater kids aren't always nice. We have our fair share of drama and gossip, but underneath it almost everyone loves everyone, and we all respect everyone else involved. Most theater kids know what it is to be an outcast, so it acts as a sanctuary to most.
It also teaches people to say goodbye. After a show, that cast can never all be together again in the same circumstances. A new show can start, but that comes with new experiences. People come and go, and it stays similar but never the same. Some people stay for a long time, some you remain friends with forever, some leave and come back again, and some you see only once. At the festival I met a lot of people, and some of them I wish I could be friends with, but it was just the weekend. ow we all get back to our lives. We've learned to say goodbye.
Because theater is love. It comes and it goes, but you can always hold those fond memories. You can't go back to an old love, you can only remember that it was good and be happy that it happened. You can't go back to that show. But you can always keep those experiences, and theater always lives on in our hearts. That's why we're all so passionate. Theater is love, and love is always the best teacher.

“The stage is a magic circle where only the most real things happen, a neutral territory outside the jurisdiction of Fate where stars may be crossed with impunity. A truer and more real place does not exist in all the universe.” 
― P.S. Baber, Cassie Draws the Universe

Alone

Being alone is something we all have to face. We can't all have people around us all the time. But I like being alone. When I'm by myself, I can read, write, or just relax. It can be really nice. Physically being alone isn't that bad, it's feeling alone that can be hard.
Feeling alone is one of those things that's not really addressed. You can be in a crowd of people but feel completely isolated. What makes us feel like that? It's this notion we get when we think that people don't care about us. It's silly most of the time, but in truth, humans like attention. Everyone enjoys being paid attention to at least sometimes. And those times when you start to feel like no ones ever seeking you out, you start to feel like you're really not that close to anyone at all. That's why I like to have multiple people I can talk to. Having close friends you've confided in is really important. Having this person be a significant other is a bad idea. Yes, you should tell them things, but when you break up, you'll need your friends. And if it's just one person, well, people get busy. Open up to people and have multiple friends who you can really talk to about anything. The most important part is making sure you're there for them, too. If they need to vent, you need to have an open ear and a shoulder to cry on. Those relationships work both ways.
When you're feeling alone, sometimes the answer isn't to go crying to someone. Sometimes the answer is to make sure your friends know they can come to you. And know when it's a good time. Maybe you're not feeling too good, but maybe your confidant just got asked out. Probably not the best time. The middle of math class? Not a good time either. It's hard to be told that there is a time and place for you to have your feelings because you don't choose when they come, but that's a part of life. We all have to learn how to best act in a friendship, and the rules will be different for each person.
Now being alone can also be about relationships, not just friends. We can feel alone when we see a picture of our ex with someone new, when we see a random happy couple, when we've been single for a long time, when we just need a hug, or-most sharply-right after we've gotten out of a relationship. I know that when you're with someone, it's really nice to have that person who you can talk to all the time and who is always there for you, giving you constant love. Of course your family should always be there for you and giving you unconditional love, but they're your family. It's a different thing entirely when they had the choice of anyone and they chose you. So yeah, being in a relationship is nice, but it can also be a lot of work. Sometimes when I find myself being alone, I realize that I don't miss anyone in particular or even being in a relationship, I miss that closeness that I've had with people. Which is pointless, because I can easily talk to those people. Just remind your friends that you're there for them and that you care about them, because that doesn't need to be implied. We shouldn't have to feel alone when we have so many people to care about that care about us back.

“The trouble is not really in being alone, it's being lonely. One can be lonely in the midst of a crowd, don't you think?” 
― Christine Feehan, Dark Prince

How much can we handle?

Is there a limit on how much we can handle? Of course there is. It's different for everyone. The challenge is finding your limit. How do you know when it's too much? If you find that, how do you know what to take out? What if it feels like it's too late? We're all scared. We're all just trying to make it through, and we try to have fun along the way. We try to be happy and spread that happiness to others. At least most people do. But we just keep going. In this day and age, it's encouraged to just keep pushing, to keep fighting until you wear yourself so thin you might just snap, get some rest, and do it all over again. What's going to make you snap? I think it's so hard to know that most of the time we only find out after it's snapped us. And then we're broken. Picking ourselves back up becomes infinitely harder.
We choose to deal with this in a lot of ways, but I'm going to talk about a few that help. Let's not talk about the ones that don't, because we should try to avoid those. Momentary relief is not the answer.
Everyone should strive to be the best person they can be, and that means not stretching themselves out too thin. I'm involved in a lot of things, but I know it's not too many because I can still dedicate myself to each. But I do need to be careful. I need to plan in advance and know when all these things are going to happen. I need to make sure that things don't overlap and not get overwhelmed if they do. I figure it all out. Fortunately, I don't do this alone. My family is always looking out for me, helping to let me know when I might be saying yes to too many things, and they reign me back in. They also help me out if I need something done. I've got great friends that always have my back and are willing to do so much for me. Especially be an open ear and open arms. A hug is the best thing.
Support. That's what we need. We can handle anything with enough support.
We can do anything, but we can't do everything. We need to distinguish between what is good for us and what isn't. Is this something I'm going to regret doing or not doing? Why? That will help us determine if it's something worth doing. Then we know that it's something we should consider. And then we think about what it will do. How much time will it take, will it have an effect on me, will it change anything about my life and how, and who's involved? The answers to these questions will always be different and the interpretations of them will vary from person to person, but it remains the same.
Can you handle it? Saying no isn't a bad thing. It's strong. The only way to be weak is to not know. To wait until you're broken to find out your limit. But if it comes to that, find people who would help you. They're out there. Find them.

Confidence

As a teenage girl, I can say firsthand what it means to not have confidence. It's something most girls lack, because we live in a society that tells us to be perfect. Of course, the pressure isn't only on girls, but I'm going to stick with my own perspective.
The last time I had confidence was in early elementary. After that, I was self-conscious about my looks, the way that I dressed, my grades, everything. I purposely lowered my self esteem because I thought then it would be easier to be rejected. I acted differently because I was afraid i was too tall and too loud and these fears stayed with me. There was a really long time when I didn't think I would ever be good enough.
That's really sad, in my opinion. A young girl believes that she will never be good enough for stupid, superficial reasons. I did so many things in the attempt to be more well liked, not realizing that it wouldn't make me feel better. The problem came from within. It wasn't that people didn't care about me, it was that I didn't care about myself. And it is so important to care about yourself. Only you can do that. Other people will come into your life, they will care about you, and they will make you happy, but they can't be there every moment of your life. You're the only person who can give you love all the time, and you should.
My one disclaimer is this: you shouldn't just love yourself for whatever, you should be the best you that you can be.
Over the summer I came to accept myself. I've written a whole post about acceptance. But accepting myself was only that. I hadn't yet really cared about myself. Just last night, I had a revelation. I deserve the love that I've been given by so many people. I deserve my own life. I am good enough to do all of the things that I want to do. And honestly, that confidence feels really good. When people have given me praise throughout my life, it has always made me feel good. Of course it has. But coming from within, it's a whole other thing entirely. Confidence is something we avoid so that we can pretend to be strong in the face of rejection, so that we can blame something for our mistakes, and that's okay. That's how I lived my life, and I thought that was it.
It's worth it to try. It's worth it to try to be self-confident and love yourself. For a long while I thought I never would, but it happened. It's like a weight has been lifted, and I can live the life I've been trying so hard to live.
It came from me, but I couldn't have done it without my family and friends. The people that have always believed in me made it possible for me to believe in myself. Someone recently told me that someday I would see myself the way he sees me, and I would understand. He told me that I would believe in myself. He's never been more right, as much as I don't want to admit that to him. He's not the only one. Over the summer someone told me they hoped that I would eventually see the person that everyone else sees, the girl I've been since they met me years before.
We've looked in the mirror every day of our lives. We see our imperfections, we've memorized them. Other people don't see those things. They see the wonderful people that we are. It seems so silly now to have not had confidence before.
Listen to those people when they tell you those things, when they tell you why you're special. It took me so long to believe it, and I regret waiting so long. In a way, I never really believed it when people said they loved me, besides my family. I guess I thought that if they really knew me, they wouldn't care about me. But now I see that they did know me, and they did care about me.
I can be confident, I should be confident. In one day I've seen the difference, and I'm so much happier.

"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same."-Carlos Castaneda

Make yourself strong.

"And then, all at once, the love hits me. It crashes over me like a wave, all the affection that I've been holding back. But it isn't from you, or from Jay, or anyone else. It's from me. It's the love I've locked inside of myself and refused to give, thinking myself unworthy. But now I see that I am worthy. Deep down I've always known, but now it's here, in the front of my mind, and I believe in it. I believe in myself. A lifetime of love is crashing into me. That sun rose every day to light this world that I get to live in, and I've done more than anyone could ever ask for. I've loved more than i could have ever dreamed. And I've dreamed. I've dreamed of being the girl that I see in Jay's mirror. But now I see that I've been her all along. There just wasn't enough light."-Across the Mountain