Today is national bisexuality awareness day, also called Celebrate Bisexuality Day, Bisexual Pride Day, Bi Visibility Day, and other things. The point is, September 23rd is the day for bi people and our celebration and awareness. Coincidentally, it's also the day I came out, one year ago. It was the first time I actually said it out loud to another person. I was at my friend's birthday party, and I made some sort of joke about being into girls, and one of my friends asked, "Mackenzie, are you bi?" and I knew. I knew that the answer was yes, and I told them without thinking twice about it. They were all very supportive of me coming out, it was really nice. The thing is, though, that coming out never ends. Next I told my parents, but it wasn't a big ordeal. It just happened. I mentioned it. Once I figured out that I was bi, once I finally realized that this was a real thing and I accepted that I wasn't straight, I couldn't hide it. It made me really respect people who haven't been able to come out, for whatever reason, because it's hard. The terminology you use, the jokes you make, the comments you add, all of it can point to your sexuality, if someone is listening. Anyone that hides that has a tremendous strength, one they should never have to have.
And people always get that questioning look in their eye, wondering how I could have mentioned an ex boyfriend and an attraction to girls. I feel the need to explain my sexuality to people. That's what I mean by coming out never ends. You have to tell everyone you meet. Of course, you aren't required to tell anyone, but in this heteronormative society, people will expect you to be straight until you tell them otherwise. I lived in a very accepting community, but even with open minded people, I experienced a lot of ignorance. A lot of people told me that it was probably just a phase, that it wasn't valid because I'd never done anything with a girl.
Coming out can be really hard. I constantly worried that people would judge me, that people wouldn't want to date me, that they would make assumptions about me.
So today, I think about the past year. I think about everything that's happened in my life, and I think about how different it's been. I've known myself more in the past year than I ever have before. Of course, a lot of other things contributed to that, but I think being honest with myself and others about my sexuality has made a huge difference.
Since I got to Lewis and Clark, I've noticed a difference. People don't have that questioning look in their eyes. When I say that I'm bi, no one bats an eye and nobody looks surprised or says "I totally called that," or "are you sure?". It's really nice. There's a large gay population here, so it's going to be more accepted. It should be that way everywhere. There should be no more 'coming out'.
My mom recently told someone that I was in Portland, and they asked if I was a lesbian, and from what I understand, they were disgusted by that thought, because Portland is just crawling with us gays. It seems ridiculous that people think that way, but that's the reality. People are biased and rude and it does hurt. Living outside of that, I see how easy it is to be accepting.
Today also makes me think about bi erasure, and all of the problems that are encountered with that, but that's it's own blog post.
"I had a feeling something was wrong with me. I guess I was a mystery even to myself." Benjamin Saenz, Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe
No one should ever feel like something is wrong with them, especially not because of their sexuality. Today, we promote awareness for bisexuals. I hope I see a day when we no longer need that. I long for a day when "coming out" is not something anyone ever has to do.
