Thursday, October 31, 2013

Irrationality

There are some things that I just can't quite convince myself to do. They're small things, irrational fears, that don't even seem like fears. I can't go ice skating or rollerblading or skiing or snowboarding because I'm absolutely terrified of it. I don't know why, but I just really hate it. I want to be able to, but I just can't make myself. I won't try certain foods, and there's no real reason why.
Those are all little odd things. The real big one that I've been thinking about is a number. Why can I not bring myself to ask for a phone number? Am I really that nervous around this guy? It's completely irrational, but I can't bring myself to ask someone I've known for over a year now to become better friends. There's no reason why that should be a hard thing to do, yet I find myself backing down, making excuses. I just don't have the guts to do it. Should I accept that? Will I ever move past this irrationality? Will this continue on, or is it just for this person? There's so much of it that I can't explain.
There's so much of me that I can't explain. There are things that I do and say and think that don't make even the slightest bit of sense to me, but I keep on doing them. That's life, I guess. I just wish I had the courage to do some of these things, because I know I'll regret it. I regret them every day.
I wish I could end this positively. I'll ask for his number. I'll try a new food. I'll tell him(different him) how I'm disappointed. But I won't actually do those things. I'll continue to take my few minutes every other day and I won't get his number. And I'll always wonder "what if". Is life just me looking back? But now I'm thinking about me in the future looking back. So I'm thinking everywhere but the present.
Maybe it'll be better to forget. To not care, to keep going. Just keep going. Just another step. Forget the worries, the irrational worries that eat away at me. Life has enough real problems, and I'll deal with them as they come.
"Highs and lows make you feel that things matter, but they're nothing."-from Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

How we feel may make an impact on what we think is important, such as how my feelings make getting this guy's number such a big deal in my head, really it's nothing. There's nothing to be irrationally afraid of, those petty things are nothing. There is so much else to be something.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Real Talk

Sometimes you sit with someone and you just talk. You really talk to them, and all of a sudden you know this person better than anyone. Sometimes it's forced, like at Challenge Day or Trust Circle, but sometimes it just happens. Challenge Day is nice, but you didn't know those people before and chances are you won't talk to them much after. Trust Circle is something we do at camp, and it's awesome, but those people are camp friends.
The real talks that matter are the ones with real friends that last. When you decide to tell your friend something that you hadn't told anyone. When they notice something about you and just talk. When the others aren't around and you start to talk about who you really are.
I love those real talks. I just want to appreciate the times when this happens, and tell you to appreciate them to. 
When people share themselves, be grateful. They didn't just randomly decide to tell you. They picked you for a reason. Maybe that reason was because you're trustworthy, or you're quiet, or you told them something. But they chose you. So remember that. 
I'm not sure where I'm going with this, to be honest. I was just thinking about a time when we stopped joking around and were real, and how that moment was so different from any other. All of the moments were great, but the rest are a montage while that moment is a still, clear, picture. And I just want to remember to hold onto that, and to tell others to hold onto those too.
Because that's what I remember about a person. Sure, all of that other stuff is there, but that's what will be in my mind forever. When you told me something you hadn't told anyone, when I was someone you trusted. When you told me something you'd never told me before because you wanted me to know the real you. Someone should know the real you. Well, everyone should, but if you can't be you all the time, at least be you with someone. The joking and the playful teasing and the banter is great, sometimes it can be just what you need, but those real talks are needed, more so than most people realize.
If you have no idea what I'm talking about, go open up to someone, maybe even me. It doesn't have to be deep, it can just be a time when it's not superficial. When you let that person know that they matter to you, no matter if it is only a little. And notice things about other people, when I showed a playlist on my phone to my friend, it took her all of thirty seconds to guess who the playlist was about. (My playlists go with people that are important in my life at the moment). That was an awesome feeling, for her to notice and just know that about me. So be a friend. You never know when someone really needs it, and you never know when you'll need them to be a friend back.

"Real talk, with E.Z."
(This was just a joke a few of my friends had and it was the inspiration for this post)

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Looking Back-part one

This is labeled part one because I just know I'll want to write about it again. I just know. 
So last night, I had a dream about someone I haven't talked to in a long time. No, I'm not going to go on about how it was creepy that I happened to see them today. I didn't. But we were friends last year and this year we've barely acknowledged each other in the halls. It got me thinking about why we stop talking to people. Sometimes there's a reason, a big fight, whatever. But sometimes we just...stop. I've known a lot of people in my life who I've stopped talking to. I wish that we could still be friends. I miss those people. Especially the one I had the dream about, but that's fairly obvious. He was in one of my dreams, so I must be thinking about him. The problem with missing people is that they get built up in your head. I don't know if he's actually as awesome as I remember him, because it's possibly just my head making him more intelligent and witty, as he remains untainted by reality. Part of me thinks, oh well, at least I've got good memories. But part of me really wants to reach out to him. What's stopping me from becoming friends with him again? Am I scared? Of what? Sure, maybe he doesn't want to be friends. Maybe he doesn't have time. Maybe he doesn't even really remember me. But at least I'll have tried, and then I'll know. There's never any harm in just trying. Besides, there's plenty of other people that I've lost touch with that I could try to reconnect with. If you're reading this, I challenge you to reconnect with an old friend. Go and talk to that person you just outgrew. Maybe you'll be best friends. And if you're really feeling ambitious, mend the bridge. Find the people that you had a reason for not talking to anymore and fix it. The things we never try or say are our biggest regrets. I already regret not keeping in touch with him.
Keep in touch with people. You want to. You don't want to live your life wondering what might have been.

"Never look back unless you are planning to go that way.” 
― Henry David Thoreau

I've been told my quotes sometimes don't make sense. This one is pretty simple, but here goes: Don't regret the past friendships and relationships you've had. Be happy they happened and move on. If you can't do that, then maybe you need to revisit it. It might be best for you to go back and try things again. Especially if there was no reason it ended. If there was, don't relapse. Only go back for things you think you really should. I feel I really should be friends with that guy who popped up in my dream.