Happiness

There wasn't anything in particular that I wanted to talk about today. No pressing issues, nothing to rant about, at least not right now. So I guess I'll just talk about happiness. We don't realize how important it is to be happy. There were times when I would be unhappy, and I realize that it's useless. It doesn't get me anything and it's not pleasant. I think that's something everyone should do. People say that they can't just stop being unhappy, but I don't see why not. We choose what we focus on in life, and we can pick the happy things. If nothing in your life is happy, then you've got some serious upheaval to do. But I'm assuming there's at least one thing that you can focus on. Well, focus on it. Let that happiness spread into the rest of your life. Don't waste your life being unhappy. Or insecure, because those go hand in hand. Now, I'm not stupid, we're all going to be insecure or unhappy sometimes, but it's important to not dwell on it. I've gotten so good at it that I don't really know how to be really sad. Recently something happened that should have devastated me, but I can't make myself feel unhappy about it. I'm happy right now, happier than I've been in a while actually, and for no reason except that I like being happy. It's good for me, and it's good for you. So be happy. Enjoy the little things.
Today is one of my best friends birthdays. She's always so nice to other people, so I wanted to give her a good birthday. She usually doesn't get too much, it being the very beginning of school and all. I mean, everyone loves her, so of course she gets presents and stuff, but I wanted her to carry cookies and a balloon around and we're taking her to dinner tonight. And doing that for her makes me really happy, because we're doing it because we want to. And I'm not the only one. Plenty of people want to do stuff for her, and that inspires me. It's not just for her good looks, it's because she's a good person, and she makes people want to be nice. That inspires me, because she just spreads happiness.
So be like my friend, be like me. Be happy, and don't let things get you down. It's not worth being sad forever. Be sad for a bit, (mine is unusually short-less than a day), and then be happy.

I don't know, lots of quotes are about happiness. Go out and read a book, and maybe you'll find one.

Goodbyes

Saying goodbye can be one of the hardest things to do, but it can also be the best, or the easiest, or the worst. People say it all the time, but always with the intent on seeing the person later. Final goodbyes are much more substantial. They can be a final goodbye to someone you hate, in which case you'll probably celebrate. These are not as common, however, as the final goodbye of a loved one. The goodbye that you never want to have to say. Death can be a hard thing to deal with, and those final goodbyes are harder than anything else. They make me think about what I most want to say to people. If someone you loved or carted about was dying, how would you respond? What would you say to them? Say it to them now. Except for the I'll miss you and goodbye parts, of course. Those things do not need to be regretted words that you never got to say. Or imagine it the other way around. If you're about to die, what do you say, and to whom? Think about it, and it will reveal who you truly care about. It might surprise you.
That's not what I was intending to talk about, however. I was meaning to discuss final goodbyes of another matter. A broken heart is one of the most painful things in the world, and everyone has one at some point or another. Saying goodbye to the person that broke your heart, that you loved or still love, can be very difficult. You may want to scream at them or curse them, and many do, but some will not be able to. Because you love them. Just because they broke your heart doesn't mean you don't still care about them. Saying goodbye in this case is always going to be hard, but maybe it's for the best. If they thought something wasn't working out, and you loved them, then don't you trust their opinion? You may not agree, but you still respect their decision somewhat. Or not, it could have been a really bad breakup. But you also could have been the one who did the dumping. You obviously felt that it was for the best, but you still have to say goodbye. You have to let them go for the last time.
Goodbyes are hard. You'll cry, you'll be sad, but you'll move on. You'll move to the next hello and that will turn into a goodbye that will become the next hello. One chapter is finished, not the whole book. You have to trust that you'll understand someday, and that whether or not its for the best, it happened, and so now you should make the best of it. That's all there is left to do, really.

"'What should I do now?' She asked in a soft voice.
'Live. Live as fully as you can.'"-Angel's Ink by Jocelynn Drake

Acceptance

I don't know if any of you have ever been to camp before, but if you have, throw that thought away for now and let me tell you about Camp Bravo. It's not just a summer camp for theater kids. It's a magical place where people find themselves, accept themselves, and love themselves. And along the way they get a family to last a lifetime, people they can always trust, a wonderful learning experience, and a kind heart, if they didn't start with that. No one has ever not loved Bravo.

I just got home on Saturday, and words cannot describe the week I spent up the mountain. Nothing can. It's something that people who don't experience it never fully understand. 

This week they taught me to accept myself. This was my 6th year going and my 9th week. I've spent that time discovering myself, my inner clown, my acting/singing/dancing/writing/whatever else ability, new friends, and much more. But accepting myself for who I am has always been a problem. It's something I've never been very good at. Because yes, there are things I need to work on. There are things that will change. But these things do not define me. These things are a part of me that will go away with time. Of course no one wants to be the overreactive teenage girl, but that doesn't need to be all of me. I'm who I am, and it wasn't really until halfway through the week that I started to get that. It took someone asking me to dance, asking me if I was okay, giving me a hug, telling me the reasons why I shouldn't change, and writing me a love letter before I accepted myself. I am who I am, and that may change every second, but I deserve my own acceptance. Everyone does. When twenty four people tell you they love you, some after knowing you six years, some six days, it starts to sink in. So thank you Camp Bravo. And everyone else, remember that things change. Be happy with who you are.

"Bravo to do list:

1. Accept yourself for who you really are.

...

22. Breathe"-Purple Group

Fate

Fate has been debated since the day it was introduced as an idea. Is there something we're meant to do? Does every person have a path? Are things predetermined? Is it all random? Do we have a choice? There's no way to know for sure. It's usually a discussion of what you believe. Most people have an opinion on this. Fate, chance, choice, most people know what they believe. If they don't, they usually are set that they will never know. Others come to an epiphany, when something happens. When something horrible happens, the faith in fate drops drastically. How could that be part of some higher plan? Why would God or whatever you believe in do that? Many people in these instances turn to chance, where things just happen for no reason, and we have no control over it but neither does a higher power. If they did, then they would have stopped it. Others turn to choice, especiallyif the  horrible thing was a killing, or something that could be blamed on a person. Lots of people need to blame someone, to say that it happened because of that persons choice. It's hard for me to say. I don't like to make a belief for certain because in my mind there is no way to be sure. Knowing something to be true absolutely is something I don't know how to do. I'm too inquisitive to just accept something, and I have no way to check things like this. But anyway, fate. It's an interesting concept. That things all happen for a reason. Lots of people start to believe in fate when something wonderful happens. When you meet the love of your life, or your child is born, or something happens that is almost too good to be true. That's when the seed of faith blooms. It is planted when we are young, it is taught to many. It grows during these good events, and then in those wonderful times, it blooms, and people believe in fate. I've almost felt it when I meet some people. There are friends that are so great I can't believe I was lucky enough to meet them, and people so perfect for me I can hardly even process that they're in my life. It makes me want to believe in fate. In a reason for this blessing, for this life. Was it just random that I met these people? Was it fate that I tried out for that play or went to that week of camp or got into that class or went to that event? I don't know. Perhaps it was all just luck. Whatever it is, I hope that it keeps happening because I'm pretty happy right now.

"Does the walker choose the path or does the path choose the walker?" The Abhorsen trilogy by Garth Nix

On My Own

Yesterday many things, including the song On My Own from Les Mis, made me think about the idea versus the actuality of a person. In the song, she sings about loving someone, but it has gotten to the point where she loves himmore in  her imagination, where he loves her back, than in real life, where he is nothing but a friend. She isn't really in love with  him at all, just the idea of him. A version of him that only exists inside her head. It's interesting how people do that. Unrequited love leaves the person to create the relationship for themselves, to think all the time about what could(but most likely wont) happen. We can be in love with someone who doesn't actually exists, and this happens when we aren't   actually close with that person. This has happened to me with camp, in that I'm friends with someone only through Facebook and texting, so I have this idea of them that isn't always completely accurate. I've never felt in love with anyone from camp, but I have talked to some people later and realized that they have changed. Distance does that. If we don't  see them, we cant see how they've changed, which I guarantee they have. Sometimes I've felt it happen to me. Someone likes the idea of me, but I could  be replaced by someone else. It's a strange feeling, and it's different than being liked for you. I was at a concert for my schools music program, and all that music gave me some time to reflect. To think about what it feels like to be liked completely for who you are, and then it became clear what being liked as an idea felt like. It feels the same at first, but I think a lot of jealousy is born from it because of that fear of being replaced. It happens a lot in forbidden romances, because they're in love with the thrill and "danger" of it. A perfect example of this is Romeo and Juliet, who fell in love just days after Romeo proclaimed his love to Rosaline. Then there's mystery romances. The people you meet for what   seems like barely a moment and you simply must see again. That's the Cinderella effect. The actuality and the idea of a person are two very different things, but sometimes they're hard to distinguish. I'm glad I was able to when I knew someone where we both just liked the idea of each other. It was a few months ago, but it didn't make sense before now. So next time you start falling for someone, or you already have fallen, think about which of them you like better-the idea or the real?

"I love him, but only on my own."-from Les Miserables

Open Up

It's interesting who we choose to open up to. Sometimes it's someone you've gotten really close to, or it's whoever's there when you can't hold it in any longer, or it's everyone you meet. Some people are just like that, they open up to everyone. But most people are a little more reserved. They only really talk about themselves, truly, to their close friends. Some people drop hints every now and then, if there's something they want to get off their chest but can't bring up. Those are the people I wish I could help. Everyone says that they're there for people, but when do you discuss things that are for private conversations only? Sometimes you have to go and talk to them if you want to be the person that helps them. The person they get help from isn't the one who waited for them to come around and ask for it. The best help, from friends, is unsolicited. 

But what I find fascinating is when we open up to whoever is there. There are people who bottle most everything inside, and sometimes it's too much. They say those little hints, and no one gets them because we're naturally self centered, so when they eventually burst who knows who's going to hear it and what they'll hear. I've seen it when people talk to me. As humans, many of us feel the need to share with someone. Most people want something from it. It's not enough just to tell them, they have to listen. To care. Everyone wants to be cared about, on some level. So in a way that's the reason behind sharing with "strangers", because the more people you tell, the more likely they are to care, right? The only way to remedy this is to be the person that cares. Listen to other people and try to understand them. Approach them, talk to them, and be their friend. Of course, you should probably know them pretty well first, or else this won't work. You have to give to get. If people made more of an effort to listen, then people would all get turns to speak. So when it's your turn to share, take it, and make sure you deserve it. If you've never actually listened to them, why should they care about you?

"Today for you, tomorrow for me." -Angel in Rent

Giving Up

Giving up something, on something, and on someone are some of the hardest things to do. Giving up something isn't that common of a problem. If it is, it's usually giving up a certain food, and by choice.

But then there's giving up the sport you love, or being in the play, because you think you aren't good enough or you don't have time or that's not what you're going to do so you think it's a waste of time. Honestly, this is sad to me. We should try to find time for everything, especially the things we're passionate about. After high school, I don't plan on doing anything theater related at all. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't be sound designer or try out for the plays or try to et an officer position next year. I want to do all those things, so I'm going to. I don't think I should have to give those things up.

I am going to give up the dream of being an actress or a singer or an author, because one in a million gets those things and personally, I don't want to do that. I don't want to have that kind of life, but that doesn't mean I have to be cynical and tell other people to give up that dream. 

Giving up on people is the worst. Sometimes you'll have a friend who you keep forgiving but your friendship just isn't working out. Sometimes you have to turn the page and finish that chapter of you life. Maybe you'll miss them, or the person they used to be. There are friendships I've had to give up on because they're from camp, and I'm never going to see them again. That sounds overly dramatic, but some people don't come back to camp the same week or at all, and that's that. Especially when you live as far away as I do from those people. 

Some people you have to give up on because it's just not working out. That friend you fight with all the time that you just have to stop going back to. That person in one of your classes that you could be friends with but in real life(outside of class) it probably wouldn't work. The ex that you try to be friends with but it's not working. That person from the play that you try to talk to every once and a while but it's just too much work because you've got so much else going on. Those are the people that you regret letting go of, but sometimes you just have to. There will be people that it's worth it to hold out for, to wait and keep trying until it works, but sometimes you're just kidding yourself. You can't do everything and keep friends with everyone you've ever known. It just doesn't work that way. So there comes a point when it's not worth it anymore. When the only thing left to do is walk away.

"A flood of memories flitted through my mind. We'd been together since childhood. Inseparable. Bound. And yet... "I'm sorry." I left her there as I walked toward the gate...turning my back on her..."-Shadow Kiss by Richelle Mead